Love Letters: Is Michelle Obama’s Marriage Advice Problematic?

Well, look what it is – Love Letters time! Finally?

I could be all apologetic about my three-month delay in getting back to our questions from the lovelorn but a) I’M BUSY and b) y’all ain’t paying me anyway.

But since I received a very timely question this week I decided to jump in the convo and clean up the REALLY BAD ADVICE I’ve seen floating around.

I might not come when you want me, but I’m always right on time.

Unlike UPS. If these packages don’t show up a lot of people are getting handshakes and good cheer for Christmas.

But before we get started, here’s how you can submit your own questions:

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Did you hear what Michelle Obama said about her marriage to Barack? That she went 10 years hating him? Shouldn’t she have gotten a divorce if it was that bad? Doesn’t she deserve better? And as a married person how do you deal with hating your spouse?

Couldn’t Be Me

See what happens when I take a couple months off? Y’all ask like 17 questions in one post.

So, for those who have been too busy Christmas shopping to keep up with the latest Twitter debates, here’s what you missed:

*TAKES SEVERAL DEEP BREATHS AND LOTS OF TYLENOL*

First Lady Michelle recently sat down with Angie Martinez, Kelly Rowland, Tina Lawson, Winnie Harlow and H.E.R. to talk about her relationship with pre-President Obama. In this lengthy conversation, which has been clipped down to seconds-long soundbites (mistake No. 1), Michelle talks about how difficult her marriage became once kids came into the picture and how that strained her relationship with her husband:

“People think I’m being catty when I’m saying this. It’s like, there were 10 years where I couldn’t stand my husband. And guess when it happened? When those kids were little.”

Of course, cuz Twitter, people heard that and went nuts. But instead of judging an entire conversation by three or four sentences, let’s add needed context.

Watch the whole video, y’all, not what your fave influencer said about it:

@realllinterviews

Michelle Obama speaks on Marriage

♬ original sound – Realllinterviews

Now listen to what THIS non-influencer says about it! (after you watch the vid for yourself, of course):

Michelle is simply sharing the reality of marriage. When she and Barack were together sans kids, it was fresh, new and lovey-dovey. But as the relationship matured and kids entered into the situation, life became tougher – especially when Barack is running off to the golf course and baby Malia and Sasha are screaming like tiny demons. That pressure caused strife that the couple had to work through.

No offense to Couldn’t Be, but I guess she couldn’t be bothered to watch the entire video, because Michelle plainly answered the “why didn’t they break up?” question.

“I would take 10 bad years over 30. It’s just how you look at it, right? And people give up after five years.”

She didn’t give up because she wanted marriage to WORK. And take it from a brother who has been married for 16 years myself, marriage IS work.

I can’t speak for my wife (there was definitely some hatred from her when I left Beyonce’s album off that Top 50 albums of 2022 list…) but I’ve never HATED my spouse. We’ve had disagreements and hurdles, sure, but we never gave up on the marriage because we believed in US.

A lot of the negative responses I’ve seen to Michelle’s convo imply that she’s trying to convince people to stay in horrible situations. That’s not at all what she’s saying. She’s not telling one soul to blindly endure hopeless or dangerous situations. But to expect a marriage to be a brainless rom-com for 50+ years is insanity.

There WILL be drama. There WILL be trials. There WILL be times when you’re sick of your partner. But if you truly love your spouse you will work through it and there WILL be better days.

Michelle’s message comes from a place of experience and wisdom – it’s for mature ears only. If it’s flying over your head, well, you have more growing up to do.

One bonus question:

So when men say you’re beautiful do they really mean it or is it game?

KNJ

This question kinda makes me sad – we’re in a place where even compliments have to be dissected to see if they’re a manipulation tool.

Ugh I’m glad I’m not dating in 2022. Fake compliments, fake profile pictures – you don’t know if you’re dating a human or some bot from the depths of Elon’s Twitter.

Obviously I can’t answer this – it depends on the person and their intent. Obviously, “grrrl u so boot-ee-ful” comes off as false flattery but, in my experience, if someone says that, they probably mean it in some way. It’s the intent you have to watch out for. Whether the person is sincere or just sincerely trying to get those draws is up to you to determine.

Regardless, if someone says YOU BAD, own that badness. It’s a win.