20 Questions: MTV VMA 2012 Review

Well, the brain trust over at MTV decided to schedule their annual VMA show to go head-to-head with the Democratic National Convention. You know, because it’s more important to have the youth of America looking at Lil Wayne’s buttcrack that hearing the nation’s leaders speak.

Thankfully MTV moved the show up so it wouldn’t directly conflict with the presidential address. Still, since 99% of Soul In Stereo’s readership was probably watching the DNC (and rightfully so), I bit the bullet and recapped the show.

If you decided to skip MTV and watch the DNC, you definitely made the right decision.

1. Rihanna’s opening number actually wasn’t as offensive as I expected but it was still pretty dull. Lil Wayne was so bored that he was spotted wearing headphones in the crowd – headphones that weren’t even plugged in, by the way. Aren’t you excited for your grandchildren to write Black History Month papers about that guy?

2. Host Kevin Hart was surprisingly tame and didn’t really offer any zingers. Do you think MTV handcuffed him? He seemed like the class clown who was on good behavior on the field trip because his mom was a chaperone.

3. WHY was Drake wearing one of The Rock’s silk shirts from 1999? If we’re using Drake as a measuring stick, rappers are now dressing like Blanche Devereaux.

4. Looking at the sheer amount of skinny jeans in the Best Pop Video category lowered my sperm count by the minute. Should I be concerned?

5. Look, I love Pink. But why does she bust out that SAME high-wire act at EVERY MTV appearance?

6. Can someone please tell me why Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys brought their baby TO A CONCERT!?

7. And why does the baby weigh more that Swizz?

8. My sorta-Cousin Chris Brown can brawl with the best of him but he can’t grow a mustache to save his life. Who let him out of the house with that sixth-grade peach fuzz on his upper lip?

9. Best performance of the night? That’s easy – Frank Ocean’s emotional yet understated “Thinkin’ Bout You” stole the show. No surprise there.

10. At this point, the show was so boring that I started paying closer attention to the commercials than the performances. Man, the wifey loves those Kia commercials. Nothing gets her more excited than those dancing hamsters in tracksuits. Don’t they remind you of DJ Khaled?

11. Nicki Minaj is the most insincere human alive. Were we supposed to believe that she was shocked and grateful during her Best Female Video acceptance speech for that mind-numbing “Starships” song? I think she writes her lines on the insides her eyelids.

12. My lord, that 2 Chainz and Lil Wayne performance is a microcosm for all that’s wrong with hip hop. TEW CHAYNNNZ was wearing a skinny man’s version of Missy’s old garbage bag suit and Wayne looked like Blanka from Street Fighter. The worst offense: Why was Wayne lip-syching? Was he using too much energy keeping his pants up?

13. Surprise of the night – an appearance from OPEN CONDOM STYLE MAN! He has more style and charisma than 90 percent of the nominees. But why did Rihanna look so terrified of him?

14. The cast of Twilight did NOT look excited to be on stage together. Wouldn’t you rather watch Count Duckula than another watered-down vampire movie? Come on, you remember Count Duckula…

15. I didn’t know the names of One Direction before tonight but I certainly know their “What Makes You Beautiful” song. They play it DAY IN AND OUT at my gym. Tonight was the first time I laid eyes on them – are we sure someone didn’t leave The Backstreet Boys in the dryer too long? Their song “One Thing” sounds mighty similar to “I Want It That Way.”

16. Is it wrong that I want Wiz Khalifa to do something illegal so he can be locked up forever? The dude came out wearing a suit I assume was bought for his unborn son. He looks like a living churro.

17. Alicia Keys’ “Girl On Fire” track actually sounded pretty good. And wasn’t Gabby Douglas’ surprise appearance a great touch? No one better say anything about that child’s hair! If you want to talk hair, pick on Icki Garbaj.

18. At this point, I guess someone told Kevin Hart to wrap things up. Rihanna quickly won Video of the Year, then Kevin reminded everyone to VOTE VOTE VOTE and to turn the channel to the DNC RIGHT NOW, right before Taylor Swift’s performance. Isn’t that two reasons why he deserves a raise?

19. Another award show, another Taylor Swift song about breaking up with her no-good man. At this point, shouldn’t she realize that SHE could be the problem in the relationship? She needs to read my Love Letters.

20. That was perhaps the most rushed and anticlimatic awards show I’ve ever seen. Will MTV learn from this experience and not schedule a silly awards show at the same time as an important national event?

I wouldn’t bet on it.