Love Letters: Don’t Blame Him For Your Ex’s Mistakes

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 Wanna know my favorite love song right now?

Of course you do. That’s why y’all come here.

Some might not consider this a traditional love song but when is love ever traditional? Listen to the lyrics: both Nas and Amy Winehouse are looking for their perfect match, not realizing that they’re staring right at each other. It’s so easy to get distracted by trivial stuff, which causes us to look past our potential soul mates. Preach, Rev. Nas.

Need help finding your soul mate? Holla at me.

Send your inquiries to edward@soulinstereo.com, or find me on twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:   

How do you not take out the frustrations of dealing with a no good loser on the new good man in your life?

MC

First, I have to give you props for recognizing the danger in making you new man pay for the mistakes of your ex. Many women don’t have that foresight.

One of my favorite shows right now is TVOne’s R&B Divas. If there was ever a show made for Edward T. Bowser (King of the Koopas), it’s that one. Gather up a bunch of R&B throwbacks (Faith Evans, Syleena Johnson, Monifah, Brownstone’s Nicci Gilbert and Keke Wyatt), throw ’em on TV and watch the sparks fly. Thankfully the show hasn’t devolved into the reality drek of Love & Hip Hop but there’s still plenty of drama fo yo mama.

Most of the time, Keke is in the center of that drama. Poor Keke has an unhealthy obsession with her husband, who she demands to be at her side at all times. I do mean ALL TIMES. And Lord help him if he glances at another human with breasts, or if said human attempts to talk to him. She readily admits that her obsession comes from her “no good ex,” whom she stabbed up with a steak knife (in self defense, she says) about a decade ago.

As tragic as that story is, at some point you have to let go of the past. Yeah, it’s easier said than done but like anything, you have to put the work in

So how do you avoid becoming Keke Wyatt? Glad you asked.

1. Remove all traces of your ex. That means drop him from your Facebook page, don’t follow him on Twitter to “see what he’s up to,” no texts, trash his pictures, stop rambling to your friends about that time you caught him with that chick (or guy…), etc. If he’s so horrible, totally remove him from your mind. That part of your life is over. Let him go.

2. Stop thinking the worst about your new beau. It’s tough but necessary. If a man caused you unimaginable emotional (or physical) pain, it’s pretty hard to look at any member of the male species objectively. But it’s unfair to your new man to assume he’s just like the last. If you’re still emotionally tender from the last relationship, heal up BEFORE you jump into a new relationship. Put yourself first. Don’t carry unnecessary baggage into the the phase of your life.

3. Look toward the future. We’ve all had trying times. Y’all know I love the wifey but even we had our share of drama way back when. But that’s in the past – if I kept obsessing over stuff that happened 10 years ago our relationship would have never progressed. What’s the point of being heated over college-era stuff? The hardships you’ve endured have made you more mature and wise. Don’t regress – learn from the past but don’t dwell on it.

Take these three tips to heart, before your man gives his heart to someone else.