The Playa Please Awards: The Dirt Worst of 2023

It’s your favorite celebrity’s least favorite time of year!

For more than a decade now, we commit the last week of the year shaming the singers, influencers and other weirdos of note who did their best to ruin the past 365 days.

Yep, once again it’s time for the Playa Please Awards, our public slandering of the rich and shameful.

But before we look back…

A few ground rules.

There was so much rampant nonsense in 2023 that I had to narrow things down. I won’t be specifically highlighting any lawsuits – the downfall of Johnathan Majors, Lizzo’s fat shaming allegations, Cassie vs Puffy, etc (but that doesn’t mean I won’t be petty for the sake of it). Nor will I specifically get political because that hits too close to the day job and I know how y’all love trying to cancel people. And no, I’m not mentioning Britney Spears’ one-sided war with Justin Timberlake because that poor woman clearly has some mental health stuff going on.

The rest of people in the following 10 entries aren’t so lucky.

So grab a seat…

But not like that. Let’s look back at 10 times we wanted to forget 2023.

10. The Kid is Not Alright

This might surprise some of y’all, but I don’t mind the City Girls in theory. Yes, their music is the equivalent of pouring bleach-soaked scorpions in your eyes. True, they’re walking stereotypes – they’re essentially a MadTV sketch of the movie B.A.P.S. But they know their audience and they don’t pretend to be something they’re not. You don’t hear them screaming about how they’re queens of rap dropping albums of the year. Respect.

Plus one of them has pretty major boyfriend problems these days. Sorrows, sorrows, prayers.

But that doesn’t mean they’re immune to stupidity. Earlier this year at Rolling Loud, JT (not Justin Timberlake) took the son of Yung Miami (not the Will Smith song) to a party, loaded the boy up with singles, and had him throwing cash at strippers while booties clapped in applause.

THE BOY IS 10 YEARS OLD.

Of course, when social media caught wind of the video, it was time for the City Girls to act like 10 year olds themselves, lashing out at critics, defending the kid’s … right … to … party.

Beastie Boys this is not.

Look, I know it’s 2023. Ho is life. And I’m no prude – I’m literally typing these very words while wearing a Lil Kim T-shirt. I’m all for grown folks being grown.

BUT THE BOY IS 10 YEARS OLD. Oh and did I mention the event they were attending were for ages 16 and up? So why in the Osh Kosh B’gosh is Mini Magic Don Juan makin it rain on his elders?

Everyone wanna ho until it’s time to be accountable, it seems.

9. Brown Paper Bag Test(ing My Patience)

Every year I’m ALMOST finished with this post and somebody has to go and do something stupid, which blows everything up. This time, it’s Father Abraham Cannon and … whatever the Zeus Network is.

Look y’all, I try to stay informed with all the latest happenings in the world of pop culture, but real talk, I’m old. If you ask me, Rachel on BET’s Caribbean Rhythms was our peak as a species and it’s been all downhill since. So despite hearing about Zeus Network almost weekly, I still have no idea what it is. Is it Tubi for ghetto reality TV shows? Because anytime I see the word Zeus it’s not this guy:

It’s a bunch of this:

Speaking of nonsense that continues to set us back, Sperm Cannon and Zeus teamed up for a competition that would pit, SIGH, light-skinned women vs dark-skinned women.

They should have just called it House vs Field to really hammer the ignorance home.

You would think Nick Cannon, a man who has spent the last 10 years creating his own personal Rainbow Coalition, would be a bit more careful about INTENTIOALLY CREATING DIVISION BASED ON COLORISM, but that’s asking too much of him. Like birth control.

I would tear Zeus apart for this cultural malfeasance as well but I’m still not sure who or what this is. Probably some shell corporation created by more of Nick Cannon’s kids.

8. In Flav We Don’t Trust

What in the IceJJFish is THIS?

Flavor Flav, 62, dressed like 18-year-old Soulja boy in 2008, making our ears bleed nonstop for 1 minute and 42 seconds, shortening my lifespan by 25 years.

Happy 50 years of hip-hop, everybody!

7. These Boots Aren’t Made For Walking

Remember those horrible four or so months when everyone was walking around in boots from Mega Man 2 for no good reason?

How much were they paying these celebrities to wear those Papa Smurf specials? Why would you wear “shoes” that sound like wet rubber duckies squeaking on cement? And how do you take them off?

You don’t have answers because NONE OF THS MADE SENSE.

Thankfully, that “trend” died quicker than your toenails in those sponge saunas.

Besides, my girl Missy Elliott did it better like 25 years earlier. Always ahead of the curve.

Today marks day 1 of my extensive research into the development of @MissyElliott's *heavily* Mega Man-inspired "Sock It 2 Me" music video. From a deep dive to costume and set design to new interviews, this is a story I can't wait to share.https://t.co/Rj54joqn3E pic.twitter.com/JNZrJJvNji

— Brian (@Protodude) August 3, 2020

6. The Xscape Civil War

Nothing’s worse than being on the wrong side of history.

Back in 2000, I would have bet the whole farm on LaTocha Scott successfully breaking away from Xscape, embarking on a solo career and taking R&B to new heights.

Yes, their exists a timeline where LaTocha basically has Beyonce’s current career path. I guess Jonathan Majors erased that one branch from the Sacred Timeline.

Bet he wishes he could erase some other stuff too.

But in this current nightmare fuel of our current reality, sister Tamika Scott accused Tocha and her HusbManager Rocky Bivens of stealing $30,000 in royalties, stirring up trouble within the group for years, and even threats of dropping revenge porn in retaliation.

And Tocha’s supposed to be the gospel artist! Might as well name her album Pharisees and Sadducees if she’s moving like that.

(shout out to the four church kids reading this who got that reference)

Just when Xscape, one of the most underrated groups of the 90s, finally gets much-needed press thanks to their reality show with SWV, a whole bunch of needless drama casts a massive shadow over their comeback. And of course that show didn’t help, with Tocha portrayed as an ultra diva more concerned about her solo album than working with the group.

This wasn’t the spotlight we wanted. This was the blacklight showing all the crime scene evidence.

In the end, what did we get? Dirty laundry aired all over the internet, Xscape’s big comeback once again is denied and Tocha’s album tanked worse than that submarine.

Sorry, sorry, I know, too soon.

No one wins when the family feuds.

5. Say His Name, Say His Name

Y’all know it wouldn’t be a Playa Please Award post without an appearance from my family’s favorite offender.

Seriously, I need to rename this whole thing the Cousin Chris Lifetime Underachievement Award, since he can’t go one year without totally embarrassing himself.

Here’s this year’s nonsense: Back in February, Robert Glasper’s great Black Radio III won the Grammy for Best R&B Artist. Cousin Chris, as usual, handled that news with the maturity of a snot-nosed 6-year-old:

Oh I’ll tell you who he is, playa – he’s a songwriter, producer, pianist and arranger who has won five Grammys and his Black Radio albums are among the most acclaimed R&B series of the past decade.

That sure looks better on a resume than “guy who has been making the same album over and over for a decade.”

At the time, I didn’t think all that peroxide had totally scorched Chris brain. I assumed he knew full well who Robert Glasper was, and that he was just using the usual bratty social media tactic of devaluing someone’s success instead of owning up to the black hole of suck that his been his own career for the past decade.

BUT WAIT, maybe he actually was clueless after all. After much-deserved backlash, Cousin Chris apologized! Sorta.

This is every social media apology I’ve ever seen. Instead of saying “my fault, sorry I was a disrespectful trash bag, won’t happen again,” you know, like a normal human being, we get “sorry I didn’t know who you were BUT IT’S THE GRAMMYS FAULT FOR PUTTING US IN THE SAME CATEGORY.”

No it’s YOUR FAULT for putting out an album that’s the audio version of used toilet paper. Just be an adult and stop moving the goalposts, my G.

Regardless, Glasper kept winning. Following the Grammy fiasco, he created “Who TF is Robert Glasper?” T-shirts, which had a portion of proceeds donated to charity.

So now we know Robert Glasper is a better artist AND businessman than Chris.

I can’t wait for next year’s Grammys, where both Chris and Robert Glasper are competing for best R&B song. Let me get my “Who TF is Cousin Chris?” shirt ordered in advance.

4. Nostalgia, Awful: Frank Ocean’s garbage Coachella

I remember a few years back when a young but knowledgable R&B fan told me that Frank Ocean was the most important R&B artist of their generation.

I mean, they’re probably right. His Channel Orange and Blonde projects are pretty good and they’re both very influential in the long run. But comparing Frank’s career to the R&B icons that came before him is like comparing 4K Ultra HD to Game Boy Color.

If you don’t believe me, you probably didn’t sit through Frank Ocean’s horrendous Coachella set. My good brother Jay Connor has the brutal rundown here – let his pain be your pleasure.

You’d think that headlining the biggest concert in North America after a six-year absence would be a major event for Frank and his fanbase. But when you’re used to viewing the world through the lens of Game Boy Color, everything is smaller, blurrier and messier.

Along with the usual faux-paus of raggedy concerts, i.e., a delayed start time (clearly the man was miseducated by Ms. Lauryn), fans had to endure a low energy nightmare. Random people wandering around the stage, bizarre mixes that sounded like songs were being played under a mountain of dirty laundry – if you can’t SEE nor HEAR what’s going on, what’s the point of coming to a show?

Frank’s team later blamed the disaster on a last-minute scrapping of a planned ice-skating performance as part of the set. Also, Frank allegedly sustained an ankle injury, which caused him to be immobile.

You know who else sustained an injury at the beginning of her tour, but worked to revamp plans to make sure fans got their money’s worth? Beyonce. Maybe that’s why her Renaissance tour was one of the most acclaimed events of 2023, while the Most Important R&B Star of His Generation is back on IG releasing unfinished snippets of songs that might come out in the next 45 years, if you’re lucky.

Couldn’t be MY generation, that’s for sure.

3. Blueface and Chrisean Rock Are Terrible, Terrible People

If this year’s endless Will and Jada Smith think pieces have taught us anything is that we need to STOP idolizing celebrity couples. Even fictional couples from my old-head youth, like Martin and Gina Payne, have been tainted due to the real-life backstage drama that caused more chaos than any sitcom writer could dream up.

But there isn’t a couple walking Keith Sweat’s green Earth that is more embarrassing, more detrimental to the Black family structure, more radioactively toxic than 99 Godzilla Minus Ones, than Blueface and Chrisean Rock.

I swear, every other day it’s something with these two:

Chrisean gives birth to their child while Blueface is in Miami boo’d up with some other girl! Allegedly.

Chrisean was driving their baby with no car seat! Allegedly.

Blueface punched Chrisean in the face! Allegedly.

And oh yeah, Blueface posts a pic OF HIS NEWBORN SON’S GENITALS. And that’s not alleged – it was a real thing that happened.

If you think I’m posting THAT photo on this site, you’re as brainless as that poor baby’s parents. Epstein’s middle name may have been Edward but that’s the ONLY thing we have in common.

Seeing that Chrisean gave birth live on Instagram (sigh) proves one thing – the only source of nourishment for these two are attention. The fact that they’re both considered too garbage to have rap careers in 2023 says a lot when “SkeeYee” is named the best song of the year. They can’t even clear the Sexyy Red bar! So their backup plan is to be the most rancid influencers to ever grace an app. For the good of the culture, can we PLEASE mute these attention-seeking waterbugs on our platforms? And somebody get that baby some counseling lined up, he’ll need it.

2. Misery Loves Company

I know I’ve given my share of low blows over the years – I mean, it’s probably why you’re reading this annual slander post right now. But it takes a special sort of demon to kick a man who just lost the mother of his children

Like Blue’s Clueless and Chrisean Flop in the entry above, Azealia Banks’ career has been confined to Shaderoom posts so she maintains relevance these days by throwing rocks. Back in 2018, she appeared on an episode of Wild ‘N Out with comedian DC Young Fly, where he made fun of her and called her ugly.

I agree that the “ugly” line was a bit much, I always thought she was attractive, but this is Wild ‘N Out, OF COURSE you’re gonna get cracked on. It’s the only reason people watch the program! If you don’t want the work, don’t go on the show.

Well, Azealia held a grudge for a half decade, because when we learned that Jackie Oh, the mother of DC’s children, passed away, she couldn’t WAIT to spit on that woman’s grave:

Azealia Banks made a message to dc young fly & his family…. like this was so not needed. That lady has babies and this is not some type of karma ritual pic.twitter.com/4p3Prwd3LU

— NATE (@NATERERUN) June 7, 2023

It takes a true narcissistic weirdo to make a tragic death of another woman ABOUT HER.

Ma’am, the only thing you “won” was another five years of irrelevance. Trolling might get you trending on Twitter for 6 hours, but it won’t stop those records from going double aluminum.

I guess DC was right. She’s pretty ugly after all.

1. X Marks The Flop

I give social media a lot of credit. On its best days, it’s a powerful tool for information sharing and bringing likeminded people across the world together. I’ve gotten job opportunities, made lifelong friends and attribute much of this site’s success to social media.

On its worst day though, it’s … whatever Twitter has become.

Late last year when Elon Musty bought the social media platform it was quite obvious we were heading.

Titanic, meet iceberg.

First, was the Great Blue Check Misdirect. Despite what KillerPatriot666 told you, the original blue check designation was not some preferential status symbol, it existed to verify that specific accounts were the real celebrities/journalists/outlets they claimed to be. Elon, however, said, “y’all give me $8 and you can buy your own check!”

Essentially, he made those checks INTO status symbols and got paid off them.

And of course, fake celebrity accounts with blue checks immediately started popping up.

Then, Twitter was renamed ECKS because whenever something gets a needless, random rebrand that means it’s bigger and better and not going to fail in any way, right?

Right???

RIGHT!?!?!?

THEN, Elon welcomed back previously banned accounts from Kanye West (who was dumped for anti-Semitic trolling) and Alex Jones (who was dumped for outright lying about a national tragedy). It’s because he supports “free speech,” you see.

All that money, zero common sense

Per the constitution, free speech means I can criticize President Biden’s foreign policy and not be murdered on the spot for it. It does NOT mean I can be a racist, homophobic lunatic and not get punched in the face for it. Figuratively or literally.

And oh yeah, according to research, hate speech has doubled over the app since Elon took over; traffic is down 17%; and revenue is down 54% from the year before, thanks to top brands bouncing.

But hey, y’all finally got a useless blue sticker that you pay $8 a month for, so yay, you’re important. Enjoy your rampant racism.

One of the greatest social innovations in modern history flushed down the toilet in just one year.

I’ll probably get my Twitter account banned for this post but, hey, I should be safe. Free speech, amirite?

Playa please.

What else should have made the list? Add your moments below.