Love Letters: Do Spouses Cheat Because Something Is Missing In Their Marriage?

I guess we’ve all heard Usher’s new song by now, right?

It’s called “Don’t Waste My Time” and my boys at YouKnowIGotSoul.com have the hookup for you.

Fans are raving because, gasp, it ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE AN USHER SONG. No trap, no rap-singing, no weird screaming or monotonous EDM beats.

It took him a whole decade to figure out what his fans want when he should have just LISTENED to them in the first place.

Sounds like me describing a lot of these Love Letters issues. Eighty percent of the world’s problems can be solved by just listening to your partner.

The other 20 percent can be solved by listening to ME and throwing that garbage music in the trash. Lemme teach you how to do both!

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Would you say that if a person is cheating on their spouse or in a relationship that something is missing in the relationship to make them do that?

KJ

Well, yeah playa.

The real question isn’t IF something is missing, it’s WHAT is missing.

And that varies.

Lack of attention. Lack of support. Lack of love. Lack of conversation. Lack of emotional satisfaction. Lack of sexual fulfillment.

Oh and my favorite: Lack of maturity.

Many, many times, it’s that last option.

I feel like so many of my friends who are just starting relationships – and even those who write into this column on the regular – live in constant fear that their mate will one day slide into someone else’s sheets and they’re constantly pressuring themselves to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Here’s a sad reality – you personally cannot MAKE someone be faithful.

That’s not to say you don’t have a role to play. Scroll back up to that paragraph with all those “lacks.” Part of your job is to offer fulfillment in those areas. I’m not saying you gotta be a 25/8 sex machine or drown your partner in unwanted attention like a needy puppy. But a relationship is work, and you gotta carry your load.

However, that load also must be reciprocated on the other end. Your partner’s gotta carry his or her own weight as well.

Don’t be so worried about making up for all those “lacks” that you wind up overlooking the most important thing of all – a lack of trust.

Your partner has to trust that you are totally committed to making this Luv Thang work. And you must be able to trust that your partner will follow in kind.

If THAT is missing, everything falls apart.

Next question:

What’s the difference between being in love with someone and just loving them?

KJ

Another question from good ol’ KJ, who is like the Love Letters MVP.

This one is pretty simple. Allow me to transform in Mr. Edward, Youth Minister right quick and break out my biblical examples…

LOOK, if Kanye West can slap together a bunch of soggy Sunday School lessons and y’all can call it a GROUNDBREAKING ALBUM, you can sit through two paragraphs of actual theology. So chill.

The bible breaks down four types of love, but we’ll only talk about two:

Eros Love – that’s the romantic, slide-in-your-DMs type love

and Philia Love – that’s the love shared between friends.

No, not friends with benefits, you heathens, just regular, ol’ platonic friends.

In layman’s terms, being “in love” with someone is eros. Simply loving someone is philia. Put it like this – I love each and every one of you for reading this column, but I don’t LUVVVVV y’all enough to live with you and put up with your drama every day. I see the kind of questions y’all submit here, sheesh.

Philia love can evolve into eros but sometimes people jump the gun before eros arrives.

And if you aren’t careful, you’ll wind all the way back up at Question No. 1. You don’t wanna be there.