Love Letters: Why Is Everyone Afraid of Commitment?

I’m back and I’m ready to get all up in your business!

If you’re looking for direction in your love life, hit a brother up.

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Why is it that so many men have issues giving their heart away? Could it be from a bad past relationship or a past bad marriage or are they just scared to stop being a hoe?

KJ

And here’s a similar one:

Why don’t people want commitment anymore?

Looking For Stability

I know y’all want a simple, three-word answer to these questions, like, “HE A HO” or “THEY ALL DAWGS” or “CUZ TRUMP SUCKS” but you’ve gotta remember one thing – men aren’t monoliths.

That’s why any phrase that starts with “all men…” (or “all women…” for that matter) should be deleted from your personal database like a Nicki Minaj playlist. You don’t need that type of ignorance in your life.

There’s a reason why KJ threw out two or three different possible answers to her own question – there is no hard and fast answer. It varies from relationship to relationship.

Some brothers won’t commit due to past hurt.

Some won’t commit because y’all don’t give them a reason to commit. That “getting the milk for free” metaphor your grandma told you wasn’t wrong.

Some won’t commit because there is a fear of the unknown. Casual dating is cool but a monogamous relationship totally changes that dynamic, and that can be worrisome.

I won’t lie, that one was a BIG one for me.

So if you’re seeking a rock-solid answer for why people refuse to commit in 2017, you won’t find one here. There are way too many variables. Maybe it’s because people suffer from insecurities, or maybe it’s because it’s way easier to get a steady supply of nudes delivered to your DMs in the social media age.

Yeah, it’s probably the nudes.

I can list thousands of excuses but, frankly, you deserve better. If you want a committed relationship, don’t settle for less.

One more:

Why do some men come back to you after a sabbatical and act like nothing ever happened?

I Thought It Was Over

Mayyyybe … it’s because you LET them?

Half y’all are looking at your screens right now like

I’m not trying to victim blame but hear me out.

Remember “Germy Patty,” the perpetually sick woman from Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl who kept coming back to work even after she was fired?

She kept showing up because no one STOPPED her from showing up.

No one likes rejection, and the laziest way to cope with that rejection is to pretend it never happened. So yeah, that ex will still text you, still call you, still try to step up dates like it was all good just a week ago – especially if it was a “soft” breakup and not one of these breakups:

I’m not suggesting you have to commit arson to get your ex off your back but if you’re serious about moving on, you’ve gotta cut ties. Don’t reply to those late night texts, don’t LOL at those social media comments, and certainly don’t like boo slide back through those sheets.

It’s your life and you’re responsible for taking control of it. Don’t let your past worm its way into your present.