Love Letters: Why Don’t Single Fathers Want More Kids?

We’re a few days removed from Memorial Day – I sure hope you and bae got through the cookout without family drama.

As long as this song was playing while those burgers were cooking, I can guarantee things weren’t so bad:

Playa, I bet that will be the one secular song they play inside the pearly gates.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before you Electric Slide down the streets of gold, I’ll help you make sure your boo is truly heaven-sent.

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

I’m a 36 year old single woman with no children. Generally I have a rule of not dating men with children because I don’t want the mess that he comes along with. When I have let down my guard and dated men with kids (let’s face it, in my age bracket most men – especially black men – come with at least one or two children) they don’t want children anymore. Why do you think this is? Even though I’m older I still want the gift of being a mother. Do they think they genuinely don’t want to start over again or they don’t want the hassle of child support should they break up? Or is their child support so out of control they don’t want the responsibility of more children? Help!

KH

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh,  that’s a lot of questions.

Lemme break it down (to the very last compound).

First, although I mentor dozens of kids around my city of Birmingham – including one who actually calls me “dad” – I can’t claim any of ’em on my taxes. So I can’t speak directly for those 30-something-year-old dads.

But it’s not like that’s ever stopped me from running my mouth.

Most of your hypotheses kinda focus on the negative: The brother doesn’t want any more kids because of child support, because he doesn’t want to “start over;” because of child support, because he’s tired of being responsible, because of child support….

I can’t say for sure what’s going through the mind of those fathers you meet. I mean, I may dress like Professor X but I can’t read minds.

However, their choice not to have more kids isn’t necessarily as selfish as you claim. Maybe the guy’s heart is simply filled with the love of his current children. For him, that could be enough.

But where does that leave you, a woman who wants to be a mother?

It’s a tough situation. If motherhood is your goal, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice that dream just because your man doesn’t share it. There are plenty of men out there willing to extend their family, and they’d love to have a compassionate mother like you by their side.

Plus, his kids need a mom too. No, they didn’t barrel roll out of your lady parts, but you can still be a mother to them.

Just like cranky ol Mr. Edward is a dad for dozens of knuckleheads in Birmingham. It’s pretty rewarding.

Don’t put your aspirations for motherhood on hold just because your guy wants to close the baby factory. Find someone who is on the same page as you. Trust me, they’re out there.

Question No 2. :

How do you know when you’re in the talking stage? Is it when you two admit you like one another or is it like a verbal agreement that the two of you make?

Lost in Love

For the unhip: The “talking stage” is that kinda vague period when you’re in the early stages of developing a relationship, but not yet a full-fledged couple.

And yeah, the “talking” stage is exactly what it sounds like – it’s when two people admit they have feelings for each other and discuss taking it further.

Now let me clarify, cuz I know how y’all do: this does NOT mean y’all have to draw up legally binding contracts like you’re signing someone to the Clippers. Saying “I want to explore a relationship” doesn’t mean you suddenly have control over the other person’s life.

You’re in the talking stage when you and your beau verbally admit your feelings. Nothing more. Just take it slow and let the relationship blossom. The second you start rushing and/or making demands, the relationship will crumble before it’s even built.