Love Letters: Can Off-and-On Relationships Work?

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I love Thanksgiving – and I’m talking about the spirit of the holiday, not just the food. Still, it has always bothered me that we rarely give thanks unless someone is trotting out a turkey.

Your challenge for 2013: Take a brief moment every day to reflect on what you’re thankful for. Whether it’s a family member, job or a bag of Sour Patch Kids, we could all benefit from being just a bit more grateful. Things always – always – could be worse.

Now let’s get back to the real reason you visit these columns – to watch me fuss about stuff.

Send your inquiries to edward@soulinstereo.com, or find me on twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname.

Here’s today’s question: 

Do you think off-and-on relationships can ever come together and be a true relationship?

KJ

There’s a weird misconception among my friends – especially my female friends – that you fall in love at first sight with your soulmate and live happily ever after, without any hardships. This is also one of the reason why my friends start making wedding plans after two decent dates.

Call me crazy but I think it’s healthy for relationships to experience ups and downs. Look at my road to marriage, for example:

– Met my wife one summer, got to know each other as friends
– Started drifting toward a relationship but cut ties after a bad falling out
– Resumed contact months later, eventually started dating
– Future wifey moved thousands of miles away for a couple of years; we both endured relationship haters on both ends
– She moved back to her hometown after unsuccessfully seeking work in my city. Got a job offer in Philly, pretty much sealing the fate of our relationship
– She finally received a job offer in my city mere days before moving up north
– We married about a year later

We endured a four-year roller-coaster ride and our relationship was stronger because of it.

Now this isn’t really an example of an “off and on” relationship because we weren’t breaking up every other month (although that nearly happened a few times). However, my point is the same. Sometimes breakups offer new perspectives and help couples move ahead, that is, if they remain committed to each other and the relationship. Through every trial and obstacle, we learned a bit more about each other and how to make our union work.

Now, if an off-and-on relationship is defined by petty breakups and only finds gratification in weak desires (sex, money, simply someone to hang out with, etc.) no, that relationship will never evolve. Both parties would need to redefine what they’re looking for in the first place.

But I’m confident an off-and-on relationship can work if there is equal commitment on both sides.

You’re in luck, I’m in the mood for a bonus question!

Why are women these days so materialistic?

ZT

By “women” do you mean “specific sistas looking for handouts?” And by “these days,” do you mean “since the dawn of time?” That’s the only way that question would be accurate.

Not all women are money-grubbing leeches, just like all men aren’t filthy dogs and all Nicki Minaj songs don’t suck. Um, scratch that last part. Cuz they do.

There are many women who judge a man’s worth by his net worth. Others just wanna ride the gravy train (so to speak) to their own financial security. Sadly, some men feed into it by flashing as much cash as they can, which perpetuates the cycle. None of this is new.

Trust me, there a billion women out there who could care less about a man’s wallet. Just make sure you’re making responsible financial decisions on your end and focus on what matters – an emotional connection with your mate.