20 Questions: 2012 BET Awards

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Well, the train has left the station and is on course for its yearly wreck.

This year, the BET Awards promised to be the BEST EVA, with tributes to Whitney Houston and Frankie Beverly and Maze. I’m still waiting on Keith Sweat’s Lifetime Achievement Award, but whatever.


Did BET finally deliver a blow-away show that will have us talking for years? Or will we get the annual minstrel show that will have us shaking our heads until we have neck cramps?

It’s BET, take a wild guess.

1. Your crazy uncles got a jump on embarrassing the family at the annual cookout this year. Who thought host Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee’s opening rendition of “Paris” was a good idea? What probably sounded funny on paper just wound up very painful.

2. Why didn’t someone tell LaLa to do something about her ponytail? The way it kept hitting her mike it sounded like her breasts were popping popcorn.

3. Ugh, Usher is starting to look like Tommy Davidson in his old age. And that outfit: black tights and neon pink tennis shoes? Dressing like 80s aerobic instructors must be what’s hot in the streets.

4. Didn’t you think it was cute that Kanye West and his Kim Kardashian android wore matching outfits? Me neither.

5. Is Big Sean’s name supposed to be ironic? Biggie weighed 400 pounds. Big Pun weighed 700 pounds. Big Sean weighs 70 pounds.

6. Conversation at Georgia Mae headquarters:
Wifey: Hey, all the old BET video hosts are on stage! Where is your girl Rachel?
Me: Who knows. Probably selling seashells by the Caribbean seashore.

7. Why was Elle Varner dressed like a stained-glass church window?

8. Can anyone explain to me why 2 Chainz consistently got the largest reaction every time he came on stage?  The dude looks like the love child of Kim Wayans and Lil Wayne.

9. All night, BET ran commercials for a special program called Defining Moments, highlighting the career of my sorta-Cousin Chris Brown. Let me save you some time – wanna know his defining moments? That time he fought Rihanna, that time he fought Drake, that time he fought that window on ABC….

10. Look y’all, I love Yolanda Adams. I really do. But why does she get the default gospel award nearly every year? And as stirring as her acceptance speech was, she reminds me of the long-winded woman at church, making the same announcements over and over AND OVER again.

11. The biggest question of the night: Does D’Angelo still have it? Yes, indeed, his funky set was one of the highlights of the night. Beyonce, Common and others were rocking out, while Nicki Minaj was sitting around looking as vapid as always. Let me clear up that confusion, Nicki, what you saw was talent, I know it’s a foreign concept to you and your friends.

12. Speaking of Beyonce, she reportedly scolded BET after one of the Mindless Behavior imps made a crack about Lauryn Hill’s tax troubles. I’m not mad at him, he was just reading a teleprompter, but why didn’t BET know better?

I can answer that – it’s BET. They never know better.

13. It was totally embarrassing to watch the MMG guys rap over pre-recorded tracks while true artists like Melanie Fiona blew us away with live vocals and instruments. Why would people want to hear them rap off-beat over their own songs? People do that every day in their own cars.

14. Was Busta Rhymes wearing a red, white and blue onesie? Hip hop cries tonight.

15. Thank the Lord for the Frankie Beverly and Maze tribute. For those of you who are always dissing me for reminiscing about the ’90s, have you noticed how award shows always lean on ’90s artists to perform these tributes? It’s because they have talent. Joe, Tyrese and Faith Evans were great. Frankie’s voice has seen better days (dude sounded like he need to cough one good time…) but it was still a fun set.

16. How sad was it that I thought Jamie Foxx’s new movie “Django Unchained” was another lame spoof skit?

17. Conversation at Georgia Mae headquarters during BET CEO Debra Lee’s speech:
Wifey: Who are all those people screaming while she’s trying to talk?
Me: I don’t know, but they shut up pretty quickly.
Wifey: Yeah, you’d think someone executed them.
Me: Well, with all the rappers around, it wouldn’t be hard to find a gun.

18. All night long, my timeline was fussing and complaining about EVERY performance, saying that Cousin Chris Brown’s performance would outshine them all. Man, did they look stupid. Cousin Chris’ “performance”  probably wasn’t even 3 minutes long. And are R&B singers now resorting to DRAWING their abs on with magic markers?

19. Do you think Rev. Al Sharpton and Miguel get their perms at the same beautician?

20. Wondering if the Whitney Houston tribute did the late diva justice? I’m happy to report it did. With stirring performances from Monica, Chaka Khan and Brandy (who was dressed like Bruno Mars for some reason); kind words from Mariah Carey and the cast of Waiting to Exhale (one of whom was wearing King Jaffe Joffer’s cape); and a heart-wrenching song from Cissy Houston herself, it was truly a spectacle. Ministry in action.

After the tribute, there was another 45 minutes or so of foolishness from Cousin Chris, Tyga, and that horrid “Smoking on’ Keisha” guy but who cares. Let’s pretend the tribute closed the show.

This year’s show was better than most, which isn’t saying much. The usual folks wasted our time but those with talent really brought the goods. And after the Whitney tribute, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Soulja Boy couldn’t keep his face dry OR his nails clean.

Ah, BET. I’m glad I only do this once a year.