Album Review: Drake, Certified Lover Boy

Drake

Certified Lover Boy (released September 3, 2021)

In the world of R&B, I’ve been pretty critical about modern day album rollouts – many which have essentially boiled down to the artist tweeting “hey, y’all, my album drops Friday!” and a subsequent “hey, y’all, which songs y’all feeling from my album?” later that weekend.

Then, silence. And they wonder why these albums fade into obscurity in a week.

In the world of rap, however, more and more artists are embracing the art of the spectacle. We just saw it with the clown show that was Kanye West’s Donda – release dates that just became broken promises, a series of live listening sessions, rap beefs over text message.

And though that album was mid at best, it still smashed streaming records – and that’s pretty much all stans care about when they need ammunition for their GOAT debates on Twitter.

That’s the same model Ye’s current nemesis Aubrey Drake Graham is using for his sixth studio album, Certified Lover Boy. Billboards in the hometowns of his guest stars announcing their participation in the project; a ridiculous album cover straight from Nick Cannon’s saved emojis that had the internet abuzz and major brands copycatting; but no actual music, of course.

Yet, just like Kanye, all the hype, hashtags, smoke and mirrors can’t hide the fact that Drake has absolutely nothing interesting to say on this project.

For an album called Certified Lover Boy, there sure isn’t much love or romance around here. Album opener “Champagne Poetry” is all that’s right and wrong with the set – an off-kilter sample completely throws off Drake’s rhythm right out of the gate before a more soulful elements grounds things on the second half. Meanwhile Drake revels in his usual sadboi misery, lamenting the pressures of fame while simultaneously boasting about his accolades. It’s the same story he’s told since 2016’s Views – and a reason why that message feels so stale half a decade later.

As mentioned earlier, CLB has as many guest stars as a DJ Khaled album and, just like a Khaled project, their contributions run the gamut from occasionally impressive to impossibly predictable.

“Papi’s Home” is easily one of the album’s standouts thanks to the creative flip of Montell Jordan’s “Daddy’s Home” – it’s a nice fit for Drake’s crooning tone. It was all good until Nicki Minaj pops in to do what she always does – yack about rappers being her sons. Yeahhhhh, we know. Drake mulls over his usual trust issues on “Love All,” with Jay Z delivering a decent but largely forgettable contribution. “Knife Talk” totally wastes Southern pioneer Project Pat but 21 Savage continues to grow on me by commandeering the track, essentially turning it into a Savage Mode 2 outtake. Drake just goes into clone mode and follows 21’s lead.

Meanwhile, “Fair Trade” has Travis Scott slurring his autotune like that time Megatron got drunk off energon on that episode of Transformers.

Good luck trying to transcribe his lyrics, Rap Genius.

And “Way 2 Sexy,” which samples Right Said Fred’s “I’m too sexy” song in the most lazy way possible, is an absolute abomination. Future and Young Thug just out here wasting studio time with this nonsense:

Too sexy for your girl
Too sexy for this world
Too sexy for this ice
Too sexy for that jack
I’m too sexy for this chain
Too sexy for your gang

Congratulations, we now have a song EVEN WORSE than “Ratchet Happy Birthday.”

There are a few bright spots, thankfully. The “Yebba’s Heartbreak” interlude is the best thing on the album by miles and miles and Aubrey is nowhere to be found. Funny how that works out. Yebba absolutely steals the show, continuing to fuel the fire for her enviable breakout project. Also, Lil Wayne resumes his mini-resurgence alongside Rick Ross and Drake on “You Only Live Twice,” which feels like a mid-00s Datpiff track. In a good way.

If you’ve noticed by now, I haven’t said much about the star of this show. That’s because Drake spends the 90 minute runtime – yes, ANOTHER bloated album – essentially providing a watered-down version of his greatest hits.

Drake’s timestamp songs are known for being his best lyrical showcases and that continues with “7 a.m. on Bridle Path,” a biting blow at former rap heroes who have fallen from grace. It’s a message echoed on “No Friends in the Industry” – another clear shot at You Know Who (hint: he sells shoes that look like sun-dried dog doo-doo). It’s not that Drake is a bad rapper – on his best day, he’s pretty good – it’s just that he has nothing new or interesting to say. “TSU” is the usual track about the downtrodden ex-stripper he’s trying to save; “Race My Mind,” “F***ing Fans” and “Get Along Better” are the requisite lukewarm R&B-ish offerings, “Fountains” is the inferior “One Dance” variant – we’ve all been here before and it sounded better five years ago.

No real insights about fatherhood, nothing about the state of hip-hop or the world, not a peep about the current state of his career beyond the surface “I’m rich, y’all hatin'” stuff. Not even a dope production twist for a new radio hit or a creative Tik Tok offering. It’s just Drake in cruise control.

Like 2018’s Scorpion and 2016’s Views, Certified Lover Boy is not an album – it’s a random Spotify playlist of songs with no cohesion and no risks. Though Aubrey spends the entire runtime of this LP trying to convince his detractors – and himself – that he still has his original hunger, it’s hard to tell when he’s happy to serve up microwaveable meals to his fanbase.

If you like frozen chicken nuggets, you’ll love this album. But our tastes have matured.

We shouldn’t be surprised though. Aubrey put as much thought into his album cover as he did this project.

Best tracks: “Yebba’s Heartbreak,” “Papi’s Home” – ANYTHING but “Way 2 Sexy,” my god

2 stars out of 5