The 2019 Playa Please Awards: The Worst Celebrity News of the Year

December 23, 2019Edward Bowser6ix9ine, Alex Goodwin, B2K, commentary, DJ Khaled, Summer Walker1

2019, you were a special kind of trash.

Every year, we wrap up the previous 12 months with the annual Playa Please Awards, throwing stones at the celebrities who’ve earned our wrath. But this year, there was SO MUCH NONSENSE that if I included them all, this post would be roughly 64,000 words long, or half the length of my Cousin Chris Brown’s album.

Narrowing down to 7 offenders was tough, so here are a few dishonorable mentions. As always, we stay away from the political stuff, otherwise it would be Seven Ways Donald Trump Sucks. You can just go to my Twitter for that!

Lil Pump’s Harverd Dropout isn’t just the worst album of the year, but of the DECADE

Aunt Becky from Full House’s college admissions scam (Have mercy)

Lady reaches across Beyonce; her mindless minions act like toddlers

Attention-starved Nicki Minaj retires for approximately 37 minutes before returning

#StormArea51, sadly no one is shot

Jussie Smollett maybe gets kidnapped but probably not

7. Congratulations, DJ Khaled, You Played Yourself

DJ Khaled: “I’m all about peace. I’m all about unity. I’m all about love.”

Also DJ Khaled: “I make albums so people can play it … NOT NO MYSTERIOUS S*** AND YOU NEVER HEAR IT.”

At some point in this bizarre decade, DJ Khaled went from screaming nonsense all over other people’s albums like DJ Clue to screaming unsolicited life advice all over our ears like DJ Iyanla. But all that peace, love and nappiness went right outta the window when his new album, Father of Asahd, debuted at No. 2, with Tyler the Creator’s IGOR hitting No. 1.

Instead of taking his L like an adult, your favorite self-help guru threw a tantrum on IG, then threatened to SUE Billboard for the perceived oversight.

Excuse me while I look up his case.

See, here’s the issue – since y’all refuse to actually buy albums these days, artists pad their numbers by bundling them with other gimmicks. T-shirts, concert tickets, some cheap Reptile from Mortal Kombat mask (in case you hadn’t heard, Billie Eilish is weird) – artists have long used these parlor trick to pad their sales. It’s not really a new practice but becoming much more common in this era of fuzzy math. Well, Billboard wasn’t having it, nor the energy drinks Khaled used to con y’all into copping this album, and was disqualified, which is why he didn’t make it to the top spot.

In the months that have followed, Billboard seems to have relented, meaning that YOU TOO can have a number one album, as long as you’re willing to bribe fans and throw a loud enough tantrum.

I would have had more sympathy for Khaled if the album was, you know, GOOD, instead of being more stale than Tyrannosaurus turds. Also Khaled, stop dragging poor Asahd to all these award shows, that baby is TIRED.

6. I Don’t Wanna Be A Remix No Mo

This season marked the final episodes of Power, which after years of buildup are set to be some of the most anticipated television moments of all tim….

Wait, we wasted six years of our lives to watch the Mahogany Hallmark Card version of Who Shot Mr. Burns!?

We should have known we were rolling downhill when the iconic “Big Rich Town” theme song, sung by the incomparable Joe

was inexplicably changed to Karaoke with Trey Songz, singing with the emotion of a 1998 dial-up modem.

Remember when A Different World switched up its theme song in the final season and it was awesome? This. Wasn’t. That. No, this was the light-skinned Aunt Viv of black theme songs. Fans were so outraged that 50 quickly went back to the original song and all was right with the world.

Good luck with that terrible Ghost storyline, though.

5. Get TI Out of Here, Expeditiously

Allow me to channel my inner TI to make sense of the senseless:

Greetings and salutations. First and foremost, I am completely flabbergasted by the ramifications of TI’s interactions with his offspring, ya dig shawty.

During a recent excursion on a reputable digital interview, known among laymen as a “podcast,” Clifford noted that he insures the purity of his 18-year-old daughter by personally accompanying her on trips to the gynecologist to inspect her hymen. And, just to make sure all the legal affairs are properly attended to, its a necessity that his daughter SIGNS PAPERWORK to verify his inspections. Those documents must be signed EXPEDITIOUSLY, pimpin’.

***HOTEPING INTESIFIES***

Such actions are unconscionable, especially from a man not only known for his own philandering ways, but who has dismissed the admitted sexual activity of his own 15-year-old male offspring.

Lo! The ashiness of this hoteptitude must not stand. I am throughly disgusted by the manner in which Mr. Harris has approached the reproductive health of his loved ones. Equating “goodness” to “virginity” is a morally slippery slope, one as revolting as the alphabet soup the Southern Monarch vomits upon the masses. A pox upon you, Rubber Band Man.

In closing, our nubian queens must not be handcuffed by the barbaric mentality that has impeded the steps of our culture for generations. One must learn to endeavor to do better. Patna.

4. BlackFace/Off

I could have done 37 entries on Kanye this year (and every year) but I’m taking a break to go after Kim Kardashian and her alleged tribute to … Elizabeth Taylor?

Liz Taylor wasn’t that dark when she was Cleopatra!

Playa please, I know Diahann Carroll when I see her.

Whether she’s supposed to be Diahann or Diana Ross or Beyonce or whomever, it’s CLEAR that Kim K’s photo shoot is inspired by black beauty. And I don’t care that she has black babies or her black husband makes subpar gospel music, cosplaying as my culture is grounds for a dragging.

I’m not usually here for cancel culture, but for all the spray tan and roller sets that lost their lives for that photo, y’all need to show this woman the door.

3. Bandmates, Baby Mommas and How to Lose The Bag

Look, I’ve talked ENOUGH about this B2K Civil War. I’m gonna tag in my boy Alex Goodwin to handle this one:

Omarion vs Apryl “February” Jones and Lil “Sparkling Soda” Fizz

Now of all the foolishness that’s occurred in this past year, none of it takes the cake quite like this one. Almost immediately after early 2000s boy band B2K got us to race to our closest to dust off our Phat farm, jersey dresses, airbrushed shirts and 4x tall tees in preparation for their Millennium Tour, the group’s first time together in more than 15 years, rumors began to spread like wildfire that the mother of frontman Omarion’s children February Jones was dating his backup singer, I mean groupmate Lil Fizz.

Of course all parties denied it, claiming they were just friends, but when there’s smoke there’s fire and in this case there was a full on blaze, which we all saw play out on the latest season of “Who Are These People and Better Yet Why Are We Watching,?” better known as Love and Hip Hop Hollywood.

Us common folk know how bad this looks, why this is a no-no and if you don’t know why dirty macking is against ALL the rules, you needed better parenting, better friends or a combination of both. Omarion and Fizzle Pop were/are group members and there’s reason to believe they were friends at some point, even though that’s something Fizzle Pop and February now deny. They claim O and Fizz were nothing more than co-workers, which wouldn’t make Fizz a sleazebag, but someone who’s now dating his coworkers ex. But even if he and February are to be believed (which they aren’t) this still wasn’t the smartest move for our friend sparkling soda to make.

Omarion IS B2K, and without him we ain’t paying a solitary dime to see Fizz sing, hum, skip, do the hokey pokey, Crank that Soulja Boy, NONE OF THAT. So common sense would say this fool would have a checklist of ways not to irritate the lead singer, with shacking up with his baby mama being number one, two and the three on the not-to-do list. But as we can clearly see, common sense ain’t common.

Throughout all of February trashing Omarion to any media outlet that would listen with August going public saying he only pays her $700 a month in child support ( FYI he has custody of the kids, giving her a dime at is being charitable at this point IMO), that he abandoned his family (no boo, he just left you, September), and saying their relationship was terrible he’s stayed mostly silent finally remarking that he “feels no ways” about the whole situation. He must be REALLY saved because most of us wouldn’t be able to stay mute. I would’ve hit bubbling soda over the head during the middle of a dance routine, put a laxative in his food or something. But the Unbothered King had the last laugh as he Bump, Bump, Bumped B2K off of next years Millennium Tour much to J-Boog’s chagrin.

The moral of the story kids, don’t mess up your bag to bang out your bandmates baby mama. It’ll end with you back in the unemployment line. Let’s just hope Fizz and February enjoy babysitting while Omarion is out on the road bringing home the bacon.

2. The Boring Ballad of Summer (Sleep) Walker

The way y’all stretch the truth and jump to conclusions to defend your faves should be an Olympic sport. That’s constantly on display when y’all go out of your way to gaslight the disappointment that is Summer Walker, aka NyQuil Turned Flesh.

AND YES I KNOW THE STORY – along with creating the dullest music of 2019, Summer suffers from social anxiety, which has been her ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse anytime criticism is sent her way. Listen, social anxiety is a real condition, and should be taken seriously. But social anxiety didn’t have a THING to do with her latest fiasco – the ill-fated concert in Toronto.

First let’s define “social anxiety”:

The defining feature of social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.

Now, let’s detail the reasons why her concert was more than three hours late:

She couldn’t find her passport or birth certificate

Her equipment people got held up at the border

When she DID get to Toronto, she spent all day paling around with Drake, posting her every move on IG. Because of course he’s the source of everything wrong in Toronto.

And then she admitted SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME HER OWN SHOW STARTED.

That’s not social anxiety. That’s an irresponsible chick stealing y’all’s money.

And yet, fans STILL defend this woman. After she snubbed fans who paid for a personal appearance, Twitter troglodytes had the nerve to say “why would you want to hug Summer anyway, that’s weird.”

Look playa, if you pay for an experience, it’s NOT UNREASONABLE for you to expect the experience to actually HAPPEN. When you pay your light bill, would you be OK if the lights only came on when the power company FELT like it? If Summer can’t handle life on the road, how bout she stays at home and gets more vocal training? Lord knows she needs it.

Summer may have social anxiety, but she has no anxiety when it comes to taking y’all’s money.

1. Ratatouille 2: The 6ix9ine Story

“It’s only so long fake thugs can pretend” – Shawn Carter

We’ve been watching Tekashi 6ix9ine’s career play out like a soggy man who constantly sticks a fork into an electrical socket. Sooner or later, we know the idiot’s gonna get what’s coming to him.

Back when y’all were (rightfully) campaigning to throw the Pied Piper of R&Pee under the jail, I told y’all to reserve a space beside Kelly for 6ix9ine, who pled guilty in 2015 for being caught on tape play-humping a nude 13-year-old. But because y’all only write think pieces for aging artists who have already fallen off, y’all laughed it off let it slide.

I’m glad the FBI had more energy.

After 6ix9ine spent the next few years playing gangsta with his Blood buddies, he eventually gets kidnapped and assaulted in a alleged extortion attempt. Should have listened to his mom about the company he keeps. That soon spiraled into facing 47 years in jail for gang-related charges.

And that’s when he started singin’ in jail like Chico Debarge.

Cardi B! Jim Jones! Trippie Redd! Nine Trey Bloods! 6ix9ine was dropping more names than Game on a guest feature. And worst of all, there’s no witness protection for this Target clearance aisle Troll doll since he had the BRILLIANT IDEA TO COVER HIS ENTIRE BODY WITH HIS DUMB NAME

He looks like a pack of Mentos with Rubix cube teeth.

6ix9ine only received two years in prison thanks to his loose lips, but let his story be a cautionary tale to all you wannabe thugs – if you use 5 packs of Kool-aid as shampoo, you ain’t built for this.

6ix9ine, you’re the year’s biggest loser. Make the L be with you.