Love Letters: My Life Is An Episode of ‘Insecure.’ Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Cheated?

MURRY CHRIMUH!

We’re a few days away from the fat man sliding into your DMs sliding down your chimney, so before you shell out for gifts for bae, have a seat and take some advice from moi. Here’s how you can get in on the action.

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

I’ve been in a committed relationships with my man for 10 years. I found an ex via FB. We hung out one night behind my man’s back recently and I cheated. I feel ever so guilty. After watching “Insecure” I feel like I should tell him. I know I don’t need to take advice from a television show but should I do?

E.R.

Irony: Not wanting to take advice from a TV show but instead seeking advice from a blog.

But it’s all good, you came to Soul In Stereo, the only blog you can trust.

We haven’t had an opportunity to talk about Insecure here (there were MORE THAN ENOUGH think pieces floating around on the topic) but hats off to Issa Rae for creating a TV show that portrayed African-Americans as layered, realistic human beings, not one-note stereotypes.

The reason people are still debating Insecure’s finale nearly a month after airing is because most of us can relate to the characters – and those characters are all flawed.

Issa went from sympathetic girlfriend to the victim of karma. Dudes may have cheered on “good guy” Lawrence for turning the tables during the finale, but let’s not forget that he spent the first half of the series couch surfing and daydreaming about his magical app. Molly is just a flaming bag of hot garbage.

Tasha the bank teller wasn’t a bad girl though. She was just BAD.

In your case, E.R., art really is a reflection of reality.

Good for you for realizing you REALLY SCREWED UP by chasing your ex. I’m sure homie was an ‘ex’ for a reason. Just like Issa learned, that grass ain’t always greener. And again, it’s time for you to follow her example and fess up to your significant other.

*cue Your Lawrence wildin’ out and kicking over a table*

Yes, your confession is going to generate a LOT of anger and frustration on his end. You can’t fault him for that, nor should that deter you from doing the right thing and making amends. It might sting in the short term, but a sincere apology means so much more in the long-term lies and cover-ups.

You owe it to him.

Will this mean your guy will run off to a strip club and leave his Best Buy polo swinging in your closet? Who knows – like Issa and Lawrence, your story isn’t over yet. That’s what season two is for.

Next one is from KB:

If you peep out that another person is trying to get with your man/woman is it cool to ask them not to be around them?

KB

Ehhh, this is a tricky one, playa. While it’s always a good idea to trust your gut, falsely accusing someone of pursuing your partner is the quickest way to come off like a green-eyed lunatic.

Here’s one thing so many people forget when they’re preparing to pounce on some outsider for threatening their romance: The person who may (or may not) be getting too close to your boo has no stake in your relationship. They have no obligation to keep your relationship healthy.

Your partner does, though.

So instead of throwing accusations at the alleged homewrecker, talk to your partner about it. Have an honest, sincere conversation about your concerns – I’m talking a rational convo; keep the allegations and finger-pointing out of it. Express your fears and get his or her feedback. Giving bae a heads up about your intuition will keep your partner on his/her toes and hopefully lighten a few of your worries.

And if that outside party DOES go after your mate, it’s up to your significant other to shut that down.