Love Letters: Why Are Career Women Marrying Down?

Guard your grill.

Got a question for me? Just share it here:

Before I started ranting, I asked the reader to provide a bit of detail, just for clarity’s sake. She said:

OK, now I can rant. And I’ll start by telling you to get your mind right.

Working in sanitation IS a career, playa. In this day and age, where my friends and family members are getting laid off left and right, they’d KILL to sling trash for a living if it keeps food on the table. You career women need to stop turning your nose up at jobs that don’t meet your self-imposed criteria, even if the jobs are a little stinky. Just because your man isn’t CEO of World Star Hip Hop doesn’t mean he’s a failure. If he’s providing for your household (um, legally, I guess), he’s a good man. Plain and simple.

To your point, though, there ARE women who are marrying down – that is, those who are marrying men with no ambition, no career goals and no desire to contribute to their households. Look, I’d love to sit around playing Arkham Origins on PlayStation 3 all day but adults have responsibilities. Stop hooking up with men who haven’t adopted that mindset.

Marrying a garbage man isn’t marrying down. Marrying a man who is just garbage? That’s marrying down.

And here’s a related question:

Help! I’m currently dating a young man who is a high school dropout but has a GED. He has a certificate from an 18 month school. I’m a college graduate. When I use big words around him he says those are “college words.” He acts as if he is intimidated by my education. I like him but I’m not willing to dumb down for any man. It is obvious this man is insecure. What should I do?

KJ

Yep, clearly this guy is insecure and you’re right, you should not dumb down or hide who you are to appease him. But we men have pride and nothing pierces it harder than being overshadowed by women. No, it’s not fair to the ladies, but gender roles suck that way.

I need someone to make me a Gender Roles Suck jpg. I would use it in this column weekly.

Anyway, this is a tough one to deal with. Obviously, you should try reassuring him – let him know that you aren’t judging him, that you’re proud of him for getting that GED but you aren’t gonna start talking like Yoda to appease him. However, he might feel like you’re patronizing him, and that will make matters worse. 

As long as you’re not throwing your intelligence in his face (talking down to him because he didn’t finish school, or something), there’s not much you can do other than continue to be supportive. He has to fight those insecurities on his own. He has to realize that a diploma, or lack thereof, doesn’t define his manhood. You can remind him, but he has to accept that.

And one more:

What does it mean when your significant other says they need space? 

DW

In my experience, it means one of three things:

– You’re smothering your significant other. Back up off him/her and let ’em breathe.

– It’s a polite way of ending the relationship

– They’re channeling Donell Jones: “Let’s ‘take a break’ while I sleep with someone else real quick. And if they’re wack I’ll be back.”

No matter the case, you’re due more clarification than some teen angst buzzword like “needing space.” Ask ’em what’s truly the problem with the relationship and work accordingly to fix it.