Chris Brown’s Neck Tattoo Is Not What It Seems

You know things have gotten out of control when I have to come to the aide of my Cousin (9 times rmoved) Chris Brown.

Cousin Chris was recently spotted with a new neck tat that threw a match on the gas-soaked stack of tires that is social media. TMZ.com released the pic above, which some say looks like a battered woman.

Cousin Chris? Battered woman? You don’t say!

Of course, social media jumped to Grand-Canyon-sized conclusions, saying that devious disco dancer was wearing a portrait of his 2009 R&B brawl with Rihanna as badge of honor.

I have my issues with Cousin Chris but come on, the dude isn’t Skeletor. Outside of a character from The Boondocks, who would be so sadistic that they would tattoo the face of their victims ON THEIR OWN FACE? Even thugs typically stick with teardrop tats to honor their prey.

Lil Wayne, you see, has killed four people. Playa please.

Anyway, Cousin Chris is just starting to get back into the good graces of the media and he has a new record to sell – he ain’t trying to mess that up.

Plus, looking at the tat, it looks absolutely nothing like Rihanna. I’ve narrowed the actual identity of the tat down to three possibilities:

Image via

That annoying mask thing that followed you around on the old Super Mario Bros. 2 game. Man, I hated that thing.

Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms. She’s screechy and annoying like Rih Rih – close enough.

And the most likely suspect: La Toya Jackson. Breezy prays every night that he will wake up a Jackson, after all. And you can’t say you don’t see the similarities.

Look, I understand the reason for concern. Chris’ lack of remorse following the attack on Rihanna, along with her unwillingness to cut times with him, has fans on high alert. Judging by my Twitter feed, the embrace they shared back at the MTV VMAs alone was nearly enough to make some fans delete Rih Rih from their playlists. But, people, if they want to rekindle their relationship it’s their choice. I’m a firm believer that anyone can change and Rihanna has gone on record saying she still loves Chris.

Here’s the only caveat – if Breezy mauls her again, the nation won’t be on her side this time. Sad but true.

The bottom line is this: If they want to be together, it will happen. Conspiracy theories about neck tats are just a waste of your time and energy.

Plus I still think it’s actually La Toya.

UPDATE: From TMZ.com:

Chris Brown‘s new neck tattoo is NOT Rihanna‘s face … or a battered woman for that matter — at least according to the singer’s rep — who insists it’s actually a Mexican-themed skull in commemoration of Dia de los Muertos.

Huh. Looks like that scary white face at the end of the “When Doves Cry” video.

I still question why a man who is trying to shake his image of woman-beater would put a dead lady’s face on his body, but I guess Cousin Chris didn’t inherit the family IQ.

Still, it’s not Rihanna. Give my cousin a break, y’all.