Love Letters: Why Threesomes Don’t Work

Image via

The love is never-ending on Soul In Stereo. I still have a mountain of love request to wade through. If I haven’t answered your question, do like Lil Wayne’s pants and hold tight – I’ll get to them all eventually.

And if you’d like to add to my mountainous stack, here’s what to do.

Send your inquiries to edward@soulinstereo.com, or find me on twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:  

I asked my boyfriend what he thought about us possibly having a threesome. He said he would do it if it involved another woman but not another man because he can’t bear the thought of another man’s penis anywhere near any orifice of my body Lol. However, he is all down for sticking his mushroom tip in another woman if I allow it. Is it fair for him to be so one-sided? What’s good for the goose should be good for the gander right?

AB

Image via

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Mushroom tip!? Is that what y’all call it now? Lord, I’m glad my mama doesn’t read this column.

Most times, to illustrate my points in these blogs, I use a personal experience to back up my opinions. While I don’t have any personal experience in the realm of menage-a-threes, thankfully I have a ton of friends who are much more freaky than I am.

I have a friend whom I’ll call … Florida. For her wedding anniversary, Florida wanted to fulfill the ultimate fantasy of her husband… um, James. Florida invited her best friend … um, Willona, over for some action. But here’s the issue – once Florida saw James and Willona get a little TOO into each other (literally), she couldn’t take it and tried to call the whole thing off. James got mad, Florida left and the marriage crumbled. I guess Willona went back to her job at the boutique, I don’t know.

I’m sorry if I just ruined future Good Times reruns for you.

I know today’s rappers (with breast milk still fresh on their grills) love to brag about how their “girlfriend has a girlfriend.” But learn from Florida – threesomes almost never work in a committed relationship. In a real committed relationship, you’re totally devoted to one person and you expect that devotion in return. Watching your partner give that devotion away can be devastating, which is what Florida experienced. Even when the brain says it’s OK, the heart will suffer.

Now, if you can separate love and physical sex, theoretically I guess you could pull off a successful threesome – but even then things start getting sticky. So to speak.

Your boyfriend says he doesn’t want to be in the same galaxy with another man’s penis and I can’t blame him. He shouldn’t be made to just because you want to. Likewise, it’s not very fair for him to force you to go face to face with your best girlfriend if that’s not your thing. See why threesomes can cause such chaos in committed relationships? There is way too much give, not enough take and it’s very likely someone will be hurt in the end.

Once you wade through the layers of STDs, threesomes might work for one-night-stands and frivilous flings. Sadly, you’re fighting a losing battle if you’re looking for a three-way compromise in a committed relationship.

Now, for something a little less scandalous. Bonus question time!

Why do men prefer texting over talking on the phone?

DW

Well, why do women prefer texting over talking? I guarantee it’s the same reason.

Personally, I’m way too busy these days to carry on four-hour phone conversations nightly. Maybe once a month, but that’s it. However, I’ll reply to a text in a heartbeat. Most guys I know can relate – they’re too busy or they just flat-out hate chatting on the phone.

But there’s something something to be said about real conversations that aren’t relegated to hashtags and text slang. It’s hard to build a connection with texts like “lol u watchin L&HH OMG haha.”

Just because a guy would rather text than talk doesn’t automatically mean something shady is going on. But at some point, he has to be willing to move beyond cell chatter to take things until the next level. Until that happens, the relationship will remain on hold.