Joined in Feminist Matrimony

The idea that feminism has destroyed the American family is all too common.


Conservative writer, political activist, and radio personality Phyllis Schlafly has said,  “If there’s one thing feminists love, it’s divorce – they consider it liberating.” That’s just one of the claims she and her co-author Suzanne Venker make in their new book, The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know – And Men Can’t Say, set to be released next week. 


Last week I had a lively debate with a friend’s pretty conservative husband who argued that one of the “unintended consequences” of feminism is that it is now harder for women to get married because men are leery of egalitarian relationships. Even though he is in an egalitarian marriage, he believes that most men simply don’t want to settle down without the incentive of being the king of his castle. While I am sure there are plenty of men out there that may feel this way, this is irrelevant because most feminist women don’t want a man with this type of attitude anyway. 


While my friend’s husband’s argument was is no way as outrageous as Schlafly’s, during our chat I couldn’t help thinking about statements Schlafly made in a recent interview with Beverly Willett. Willett asked Schlafly why she claims feminists love divorce. Her response: 

Their own writings reveal that feminists sought liberation from home, husband, family, childbirth, children, and the role of full-time homemaker. They wanted to be independent of men and liberated from the duties of marriage and motherhood. So, their first legislative goal was the adoption of easy-to-get divorce. They were behind California’s adoption of unilateral divorce, which then spread across the country.

Well I’m a feminist and I LOVE being married. I would be completely devastated if Edd and I divorced. Over the years I’ve seen the marriages of few friends crumble and it twisted my stomach in knots and at times brought me to tears.  I don’t love divorce. (However, if I find out a woman has left an abusive marriage, damn right I’m going to celebrate.) 


True feminism isn’t anti-marriage or anti-motherhood, it’s simply about choice. It should be a woman’s choice if she wants to get married; it should be her choice if she wants to have children. However, if she decides these aren’t for her the rest of the world should let her be single, let her be childless, and shut up about it!


What bothers me most is while everyone keeps yelling about feminists killing the family, there is evidence that suggests the exact opposite. Reporting on the new model for American marriage, Jill Filipovic yesterday wrote:

And the more egalitarian the relationship, the better. Couples who share both paid work and housework have more sex. Children of women with college degrees do better in school. Women who are college-educated tend to marry later, and also have lower divorce rates; they are more likely to stay married than women who aren’t highly educated and financially independent (quite possibly because women who are self-sufficient don’t need to get married for support, and can choose a partner with whom they can have a happy and egalitarian relationship).

This is exactly why I believe my marriage is working. It is a partnership. It is built on friendship and respect. It’s feminist. And feminists do it better!