Edd’s MANtra: Edd v. Stella

You know, I’ve always had great admiration for the trials women face on a daily basis, especially when those trials are made worse by my species.

And I’ve noticed that my species often makes the gym a den of iniquity.

I kid you not, when a woman walks by 90 percent of men at my gym, they stop whatever they’re doing to follow her with their eyeballs. And I’m not talking about one of those quick glances. I’ve seen dudes in mid-conversation stop talking to watch a woman walk by, then resume the conversation when she’s out of eyesight. It’s like their brains shut off.

I always say to myself, “how horrible that these women must endure such lustful behavior! She’s a PERSON, for goodness sakes!”

If it sounds like I’m sucking up, it’s cuz I am. I need some help from you ladies out there because I now share your pain.

See…there’s this older lady at the gym who has been stalking me. And I think she wants my body!

I know what you haters are saying: “Playa, she don’t want you!” Oh, I wish I was wrong.

Here’s how it usually goes: I’ll be using a machine, minding my own business, usually listening to some classic Keith Sweat on the iPod, when I just FEEL the presence of someone looking at me. Then I spot her – a blonde, roughly in her mid-50s, with orange skin, looking like a shriveled-up Hulk Hogan. And she’s looking directly at me.

At first, I thought maybe she was daydreaming. But oh no.

Those eyes burn with desire.

Usually, she’s about 20 feet away from me, but once, she came over for a closer look! She came to a machine adjacent to one I was using but didn’t get on it – she just leaned against it and watched your boy do his thing. It’s like I could hear the softcore porn music in the background. And a few days ago, when she crept up on me I was so shook that I ran off squealing like LL Cool J in that Old Spice commercial.

So how do I convince Stella not to get her groove back? It’s not like she’s grabbed my butt (yet) so I don’t feel the need to be vicious.

I’ve blatantly displayed my wedding ring many times but that hasn’t helped. Some people have suggested that I make small talk with her, but I think that’ll encourage her to convince me to accompany her for a romp on the Mayflower.

And before you ask, yes, I’ve talked to the wifey about this. She’s seen Ms. Cougar in action and she thinks the situation is totally hilarious. Bet she wouldn’t think it was so funny if it was Kim Kardashian who was eyeing my sweaty workout pants.

What do you ladies do to fend off unwanted attention?