Love Letters: Should You Date An Inmate?

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Here’s today’s question:

Should a woman or man stay with their mate if they become incarcerated? Married or not?

KJ

Depends.

What? It’s not a cop-out answer, it’s true. Circumstances shape life’s experiences. There’s rarely a cut-and-dried answer.

Well, there is one. We can all agree that Big Sean is a horrible rapper.

Image via

According to The Book of Thugs, Chapter AK, Verse 47, no matter what your mate did to get locked down, the laws of the streets require you to stick with him or her until release. It’s the very definition of “ride or die.”

Till death do you part. Even if you’re not married.

Which makes no sense if you think about it.

In fact, in this case, the whole theory of “ride or die” could be called into question here.

Don’t get me wrong, if your man is locked up for a couple of weeks for a drug charge, it’s a lot easier (and less worrisome) to wait for his release than it is for a guy who is stuck in the bing for a 20-year murder stretch.

While this next sentence may offend my readers who are in the box (or just came out) here’s the cold truth: Your mate isn’t automatically obligated to stand by your side. Once you go in, your life changes. So does your relationship. It’s unfair to your partner to pretend it doesn’t. Time doesn’t stop outside those bars.

Am I saying a partner should run off the second his or her mate is on the other side of the judge’s gavel? Absolutely not. I would urge couples to stick together during those trying times. But I understand that circumstances make that very difficult. Even if their mate is incarcerated for a short amount of time, if that time away is the result of a lifestyle that puts the person at home in danger, I can’t blame him or her for cutting ties.

And yes, that goes for marriages too.

Yeah, it seems cold and heartless. But to quote Omar from The Wire, “All in the game, yo.” Those are the consequences for being ’bout that life.

So, if you can, stick it out. You owe your mate the support. But if you truly can’t maintain a relationship separated by bars and time, move on. Be upfront with your partner about it, of course. Don’t leave him or her hanging on while your heart is elsewhere.

It’s a tough decision but I can’t pass judgment.

Well, that question thoroughly depressed me. What else y’all got?

Question No. 2:

Should married couples take breaks from one another?

Needing a breather

That didn’t help my depression.

I followed up with the emailer to make sure “taking breaks” didn’t mean “sleeping around with other people.” Back in college, “taking a break” was always code for “clearing your dating schedule for Freaknik.”

In this case, the emailer is asking if couples should spend time apart exploring separate interests.

BY ALL MEANS YES.

My wife and I are married – united in the eyes of God and all that stuff – but we have separate interests, different circles of friends and various side projects. Engaging in those other activities allows personal growth. Even though we’re married, it’s OK to retain a bit our individuality.

Plus, everyone needs space. Give your spouse some breathing room.

Just make sure that “breathing room” doesn’t involve a personal reenactment of Freaknik.