Album Review: French Montana, Excuse My French

French Montana

Excuse My French (to be released May 21, 2013)

Diddy has to be the Houdini of hip hop.

In 2012 Puffy made me, the most critical rap fan in all of the World Wide Web’s seven seas, fall for his protege French Montana. If you’re reading this blog, you probably know Frenchie’s lyrical talent is marginal at best and nonexistent at worst.

But with a little slight of hand, Montana was able to mask his shortcomings behind a sideshow of mesmerizing beats, all of which were the offspring of rap classics. “Shot Caller?” Yeah, that’s A Tribe Called Quest’s “Scenario.” “Pop That?” It’s just Uncle Luke’s “I Wanna Rock.” Their familiarity drew me in; their catchiness had me hooked.

After an endless series of mixtapes and about 1,000 false starts, Montana is finally ready to take his magic to the masses with his solo debut.

Funny thing about magic – once you’ve seen a trick a couple of times, it gets old. Fast.

Before I start complaining, let’s look at what does work. While “Shot Caller” inexplicably was left off the collection, “Pop That” is here in all its ignorant glory. Make no mixtake, the concept is shallow and the lyrics are embarrassing, but it puts your eardrum in the figure-four leglock and refuses to let go.

Excuse My French often tries ratcheting up the ratchetedness of classic beats, but the results are mixed. “F*** What Happens Tonight” rides on Major Harris’ “I Got Over Love” (also borrowed by the Dipset and InterWebz champion freestyler Eli Porter). Montana and DJ Khaled’s usual cast of goons don’t add much but Snoop DoggLion and especially Scarface administer corporal punishment on wax. “We Go Wherever We Want” is a reworking of “Ice Cream” by Raekwon, who also shows up to wreck shop. It’s a solid track but would work much better without Ne-Yo crooning about his money. On the other end of the spectrum is “Freaks,” which conjures memories of Chaka Demus & Pliers’ “Murder She Wrote.” It might be club-friendly but creatively it’s pretty dull.

That’s the story for about half the tracks on Excuse My French – repetitive beats that will get the club turnt up paired with repetitive hooks that will, well, get the club turnt up. “I Told Em,” “Throw It In The Bag,” “Ain’t Worried About Nuthin,” they all sound like the conception and recording time took about 15 minutes. Never heard his track “Bust It Open” before? Just repeat the phrase “Bust It Open” to yourself about 300 times and sprinkle few pronouns in there a couple of times. There you go. Laziness at its finest.

It also shouldn’t surprise Frenchie fans that this album is LOADED with guests, most of whom seem to be on  autopilot. Rick Ross shows up to do what he does best, talking about “cake cake cake cake” on “Trap House” and how he’s whipping work that smells like dinner rolls on “Marble Floors.” Dude needs gastric bypass surgery ASAP. Meanwhile on “Marble Floors,” 2 Chainz has his “cup filled with pink, I’m supporting breast cancer.” I don’t know whether to laugh, be offended, or shake my head at the state of hip hop.

Montana’s lyrics? Oh, they’re even worse. Dude attempts to rhyme the words California, Arizona, foreign and Taiwan on “When I Want.” When his most quotable line on the album is “it’s like pissing in the freezer tryna make canaries” on “Gifted,” you know we ain’t talking about Paid In Full-levels of lyrical excellence. Since when are urine-cut diamonds hot in the streets?

But as bad Montana’s lyrics are on “Gifted,” guest star The Weeknd totally steals the show. His familiar  falsetto is literally tailor-made for the haunting production. It warbles through the wailing guitars and and tinkling keys so effortlessly that you quickly tune out Montana. It becomes HIS song but it’s on Montana’s album so Frenchie reaps the rewards. He’s smarter than you give him credit for.

On the intro to “We Go Wherever We Want” Diddy yells “Time for the smoke and mirrors to come down!” No one with a morsel of good sense would claim that French Montana is a good rapper. And while Excuse My French is littered with duds and moldy mixtape tracks, there are enough distractions around to keep the listener from totally tuning out.

Just like when the curtain was pulled and the great and powerful Oz was exposed as a fraud, he somehow still stumbled into success. French Montana still has tricks up his sleeve too.

Now excuse me while I go listen to “Pop That.”

Best tracks: “Pop That,” “F*** What Happens Tonight, “Gifted”

3 stars out of 5