The Southern Way
I knew something was wrong. One of my students, we’ll call her Jane, was using her smartphone to email me while she was on a fieldtrip. During this trip students from our school were putting on a play for kids from other schools. It’s part of our effort to expose other children in the community to the arts.
Quite naturally, when performing a play props need to be carried on and off the stage. Jane told me in her email that she had just been scolded by one of the female chaperones. Was she reprimanded for not doing her fair share of work or not being a team player? Nope. Quite the opposite. She was in trouble because she lifted a table. The chaperone told Jane it was more proper for her carry something small like the radio prop. She reminded her to act like a lady and told her it was not “the Southern way” for her to lift a table (despite the fact that it was lightweight and easy to carry.) That’s a man’s job.
Jane emailed me because she was so shocked and confused by this comment. I was not.
The idea of “the Southern way” is something that, as a feminist born and bred in Birmingham, I grapple with often. Many women, including most of my friends, proudly proclaim that they’re old fashioned. That not only means that men are required to do heavy lifting but my friends also consider it unladylike to approach or actively pursue a love interest. I respect their opinions, but I simply don’t agree.
Now I’m not saying that these friends are somehow “bad feminists” because they want to be courted old school style, nor am I saying you should walk around wearing a T-shirt that says “Please date me!” But I believe women should have some sense of control in their romantic relationships and for me that means being assertive. I’ve been this way ever since I was Jane’s age. If I met a cute boy at a dance party and he asked if he could have my telephone number I’d say “No, but I’ll take yours.” I wasn’t about to be the girl sitting at home by the phone waiting for him to call.
I know what you’re thinking. When you’re aggressive in a relationship or moving around furniture by yourself you’re not “letting the man be the man.” That’s probably my least favorite phrase in the English language. Seriously. That phrase and the way it is so often used imply that manhood is somehow defined by the ability to control a woman. Now I know that people who use that phrase don’t see it that way, but if we truly unpack that phrase we’ll uncover some not-so-pretty truths.
So I’m out to redefine things like “let the man be the man.”
When I’m trying to open a jar of Ragu I hand it to my husband not so he can flex his biceps and show me how much of a man he is, but because he’s stronger than I am. It’s practical. If after a few weeks of Body Pump I’m strong enough to open the jar myself he’s not going to suddenly be emasculated by that act.
I let my man be a man by honoring him and I do this by respecting his opinions, supporting his dreams, and being there for him when he needs me. And he lets me be a woman by doing those same things for me. For us, that’s the new Southern way.
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