Love Letters: The Crazy Magnet

Here’s most frequently asked question I’ve received since moving into the Soul In Stereo era:

“Are you gonna continue doing Love Letters?”

Who am I to disappoint legions of lovelorn? Yep, I’m still gettin’ all in your relationship business. Pass along your questions if you’d like my sage advice.

Send your inquiries to edward@soulinstereo.com, or find me on twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question: 

If you keep running into possible significant others who turn out to be crazy is it something you’re doing wrong?

KJ

This question reminds me of one of my friends, whom I will call Bonita Applebum. As you probably guessed, she has all the guys saying you GOTTA put me on.

Bonita is extremely smart, hilarious, caring, has a fantastic career, comes from a great family and is super fine. Here’s the problem – ALL of Bonita’s Prince Charmings wind up looking like this:

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Poor Bonita has dealt with them all – guys who were cheating on their wives, dudes who were stepping out on their babymommas, shady brothers who pretended to be God-fearing but really just wanted to dip in her baptismal pool, cheapskates, liars, ugh. And while many women I know just aren’t good judges of character, Bonita doesn’t jump into relationships but STILL winds up on The Low End. Word to Q-Tip.

Recently, I even tried hooking Bonita up with a friend of mine. I usually despise playing matchmaker but I thought I couldn’t lose with this one. Well, I’m no Parker Lewis. The SECOND I got Bonita in contact with my boy (a smart, religious guy whom the ladies love) he immediately started acting stupid. Bonita quickly moved on and I couldn’t blame her.

So what’s the problem?

In my experiences, when relationships fall apart, blame can usually be shared. Now, that blame isn’t always a 50-50 split – sometimes it’s 70-30 or 90-10 but it’s almost never 100-0. No matter how perfect y’all assume you are, it’s hard to be blameless in a failed relationship.

I love Bonita but one problem she has is she gives losers WAY too many chances. I’ve preached before how ridiculous statements like “a leopard don’t change his spots” are – anyone can change given proper motivation. But in Bonita’s case, sometimes she ignores personality quirks as “small things” that escalate into big things. Thankfully she kicked my boy to the curb before things got that bad (sorry, playa).

Yes, if EVERYONE you date is “crazy,” even if you’re the world’s greatest catch I’m willing to bet some blame (unintentional or not) lies with yourself. Maybe you need to change your scene (if all the men at your church are crazy, for example), your approach (maybe being ultra-aggressive lures nutcases) or attitude (don’t get stuck in the trap of looking for “one type” of guy – that “type” could be insane).

Bonita’s a great girl who deserves a great guy. The most important thing that she’s learned is not to settle for less. Just because craziness abounds doesn’t mean you have to shack up with it.

And because you’ve all been such good boys and girls today, here’s a lil’ something extra. Today’s bonus round is brought to you by the beat up car from Street Fighter.

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When a man says he wants to “kick it with you” or “chill” with you are those code words for “I just wanna smash?”

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Y’all sure ask about smashing a lot.

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Now if THIS guy says “guuuuul, tonight I just wanna kick it WIT U” do you REALLY think he just wants to play Scrabble? No, I bet he wants to play Super Smash Bros. But I’ve told women many times that “we can just chill” and that’s what I meant.

Remember what I said earlier about those blanket statements like “a leopard never changes his spots?” It’s not uncommon for “kickin’ it” to be used as an euphemism for “booty call.” But, as with everything, you can’t take one statement and assume it means the same thing to every guy. Context is your friend. Read between the lines and you won’t get caught up.