The Absolute Worst Halloween Candy Ever Made

It’s Spooky SZN, and y’all know what that means:

Well, besides grown people masking up. It’s time to consume ridiculous amounts of sugar! This time of year brings out the best and absolute dirt worst treats, so allow me to break down 10 candies that should NOT be in your mouths under any circumstances.

If you love the kids, don’t give them this garbage.

10. Tootsie Rolls

Disclaimer: The fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls are great – minus the vanilla ones, unless you were one of those kids who liked eating glue in second grade. But the generic chocolate ones we know and hate? Those are a whole lotta nothing. At least I’m TOLD they’re supposed to be chocolate – brown crayons have more flavor than those things. Inevitably as a kid, my trick-or-treat bucket would end up as a graveyard for those bland little brown blocks.

9. Dots

Dots are what happen when you suck the shell off of a jelly bean and let them harden over the course of 30 years. How can a candy be so soft, so hard and so flavorless at the same time? Only Double Bubble gum can match that level of hardened horror.

8. 3 Musketeers

I’m not a big candy bar guy in general, but even you bar lovers have to admit that something went horribly wrong here. It’s like someone started making a candy bar but got lazy halfway through and left all the good stuff out. No nuts, no caramel, no … whatever that wafer-y stuff Kit Kats use. Wafers, I guess? Anyway, 3 Musty-teers are just a block of chocolate containing less flavorful chocolate inside. It’s like unwrapping a Christmas present only to find a box filled with used wrapping paper.

7. Circus peanuts

Who thought it would be a good idea to shape oddly colored marshmallows into oddly colored peanuts? Worst yet, these things taste nothing like peanuts – they’re blander than the last five Drake albums – and they feel like you’re chewing on couch cushions. You don’t even get them at the circus! Everything about them are a lie.

6. Fireballs

I know some of y’all love these, but some of y’all think Sexyy Red is a great rapper too, so I’m used to dealing with people with horrible taste. And speaking of horrible taste, these things should just be called EntirelyTooMuchCinnamonBalls. Pass.

5. Grandma candy

For clarity, we’re talking peppermints, those butterstoch deals in the gold wrapper – even the rare turquoise-colored ones that look like toilet water. Two of the three – not the toilet drops, naturally – are perfectly fine treats when Deaconess Lula Mae Pervis slides you one during church service. But during Halloween we demand more from our candies. However, there’s one exception to this rule – the strawberry ones in the strawberry print wrapper are great for any occasion.

4. All Black Everything: Black licorice, black jelly beans, etc.

Usually I’m rooting for everybody Black, but not when it comes to my candy. Licorice in all forms is vile and making people eat treats that taste like asphalt is a hate crime. Black card REVOKED.

3. Good & Plenty

Y’all ain’t fooling me, this is just black licorice disgusted as a Tic Tac. Imagine giving kids breath mints that tastes like the bottom of black Air Force Ones. I know it’s called trick-or-treat, but this has to be the cruelest trick of all.

2. Necco wafers

Listen, I’m an old head. I’ve been moping around this planet for four decades and despite participating in dozens of Halloween gatherings and consuming more sugar that should be humanly possible, I STILL cannot describe what these things are. But I’ll do my best:

Remember when we were little and kids would use colored chalk to draw squares on the sidewalk to play hopscotch? We’d hop around on one leg on each square, start arguing about how that’s not the proper way to play and then begin shoving each other? Then a fight would break out and some senior member of the community would yell across the street about how we “need to shut that fuss up?” Or maybe that was just my neighborhood.

Anyway, EAT THE COLORED CHALK. That’s a Necco wafer.

1. “Peanut butter kisses”

I bet you thought candy corn would be No. 1! Don’t get me wrong, any dessert named after a vegetable is bound to fail but THESE THINGS are much more worthy of my wrath.

Every year as a kid I’d get a handful of these orange and black demons, yet I was totally confused as to what they were. You never saw them in stores throughout the year – these gooey monstrosities only emerged from the pits of nausea in October, retreating to the Shadow Realm by Nov. 1. I didn’t know what they were, or what they were even called, but I knew they tasted like ear wax and I wanted NO PARTS of them.

It wasn’t until the invention of Google that I learned that they were apparently called Peanut Butter Kisses – a candy so God awful the makers were too ashamed to put the name on the wrapper. Any kid who dared put this congealed rhinoceros snot in their mouths suffered the cruelest fate of all – candy that tasted like filth.

Truly, they are the scariest thing Halloween ever produced.

I know someone is gonna yell about candy corn, so it’s your turn. Share you Halloween horror stories below.