The Playa Please Awards: The Cringiest Moments of 2022

December 24, 2022commentary, playa please awards2

Tis the season to be petty!

On what goes down as one of the coldest days across our country, nothing is colder than my heart. It’s time for the worst season of the year – our annual look at the most annoying celebrity moments of 2022.

And things just keep getting worse. It took me weeks to narrow down 365 days of depravity into 11 sections.

As always, a few ground rules:

– We won’t be discussing politics (at least not directly), so no fussing about failed senators with werewolf/vampire fetishes, Elon vs Fauci, etc. I have a day job to think about!

– Also, I’ll be mostly staying away legal drama, specifically the Tory Lanez/Megan thee Stallion ruling. The trial wrapped up just as I was finishing this post and I didn’t want to make this thing even longer.

Don’t worry, we have more than enough offenders to ridicule.

Let’s go. Sorry in advance about your faves.

I’m also sorry they’re your faves.

11. Good Golly, Miss SZA

I’m sure this first entry will get me thrown on the Cancel Bus since SZA just dropped a halfway-decent album that Twitter loves. The best way to deflect criticism is to drop music people like, after all. It’s called the Arruh Kelly Effect.

BTW, a live look at my DMs after I reviewed SZA’s new album:

Seriously, if Joffrey from Game of Thrones dropped a TikTok hit before they took him out y’all would be screaming #JusticeForHouseLannister and #ProtectMyOppressors.

Anyway, months before SZA became 2022’s favorite comeback queen, she was sister side-eye after randomly taking shots at legit legend Little Richard:

Ma’am, there’s a HUGE difference in using musical onomatopoeia or adlibs for effect and just mumbling your words together like you’ve got Big League Chew in your mouth. Comparing your peanut butter and Popeye’s biscuit vocals to an icon’s is a losing battle.

Plus, why did she spell it “Lil Richard” like he’s one of these interchangeable trap goblins? Little Richard ain’t one of your lil friends.

Also … “annunciate.”

This is the first entry on this list and I’m already fed up.

Of course, after Twitter rained down on her with great vengeance and furious anger, she tried to play it off like “LOL can’t believe y’all didn’t know I was just playing” – but seeing that it took a whole 10 days to come up with that clapback, I’m a little skeptical.

10. The Toxic Avengers

Blueface and Chrisean Rock are the most famous rappers you’ve never heard of. And there’s a good reason for that.

BlueFace’s flow is horrific. He sounds like Herschel Walker reading the King James version of the bible. And it was just recently that I learned that Chrisean had any sort of career outside of taking random photos on IG.

That’s not an invitation to check out her music, though. Sounds like she eats sandpaper sandwiches before hitting the booth.

But it’s 2022, rappers don’t get famous by RAPPIN. Oh, no, they get famous by being toxic trainwrecks on camera!

It’s bad enough that our timelines are filled with their near-weekly exploits of cheating, domestic violence and bickering about TMI topics like how many abortions they’ve had, fans now get a front row seat to the downfall of society thanks to their new reality show.

Obviously I’d rather have Reptile from Mortal Kombat spit in my eyes than watch that but that won’t stop us from being bombarded with clips on Twitter! Watch in amazement as Chrisean’s daddy beats up her boyfriend!

ADRENALINE
IN MY SOUL
PLEASE MY BLACK BROTHER
DON’T BE SO BOLD

The last thing the Black delegation needs in 2022 is disfunction disguised as entertainment. Jokes aside, glorifying this level of violence endangers both the couple and the millions these “influencers” are influencing. Black love doesn’t look like this.

But when your collective rapping skill ranks lower than a comatose Chingy, you gotta make your money somehow.

9. Slumber Walker’s new haircut

Y’all didn’t tell me they were remaking the G.I. Joe Movie! The real ones remember. Co-Bra Lalalalalalalala

8. Wack to the Future

In recent years, we’ve seen artists, labels and deluded stans attempt to rewrite history in favor of their faves.

But in 2022 y’all just decided to OUTRIGHT LIE.

In April, GQ confidently claimed that Future was the best rapper alive.

Yes.

The guy who has basically released the SAME SONG for over 10 years.

The guy who has the vocal tone of a stalling Ford Pinto.

The guy who has been coasting off the success of a mixtape from 2015.

THAT guy is the best rapper alive?

Listen, even a hater like me can’t deny Future’s accolades. He’s obviously been attributed to the success of a decade’s worth of worthless mumble rap (although the true godfather of the auto-croon crew is Lil Wayne – though that’s a debate for another column).

If the article claimed that Future was the one of the most influential or most successful in the game today, that would be accurate and I’d have no beef. But to claim BEST ALIVE means that no one breathing can reach his level of skill – and there is no way on Keith Sweat’s planet earth that Future is the best at ANYTHING.

Did Grandmaster B from Married with Children pass away? Did the Lord call PaRappa the Rappa home? Is little Killer B from Naruto no longer with us? Because I’m betting on all of them in a battle with Future.

I KNOW Future can’t see Thugnificent from Boondocks.

Now that I think about it, Future IS the best at one thing – he’s the best rapper named after a measurement/unit of time. Another L for Daystar Peterson.

7. Honestly, Never Mind Defending This

Remember when Drake dropped a horrible house album and y’all twisted yourselves in knots trying to defend it?

Y’all: “I’m on my 79th listen. If you listen to it with the volume turned way down with 10 hair dryers blowing at once while F-15s fly overhead, I-I-I-I can see the vision.”

Playas, I promise it’s OK to admit your favorite artist dropped a trash album. Eminem had Encore. Nas had Nastradamus. Jay had Blueprint 3. Even the best slip up sometimes. Granted, all those those are miles better than Honestly, Nevermind and Drake’s quality has been free-falling for a decade, but hey, you get my point.

Besides, look at this album cover, it’s like someone threw up Fruity Pebbles on a spider’s web.

Beyonce did the dance album thing WAYYYYYYY better a few months later (although that project wound up slightly overrated too.)

2022 was a tough year for albums reviews.

6. Super Petty Girl

2022 was the year of I Told You So’s, which is like chicken soup for this old man’s evil soul.

I told y’all Drake’s creative career was in freefall, and finally even his stans started fessin’ up to it.

I told y’all for years that a certain college dropout was in goose-stepping his way into the arms of racists – more on him later.

And how many years have I warned y’all about the hip-hop’s multicolored mistress of misery, Nicki Minaj? It was easy for her to proclaim herself as queen of rap when she was the only girl in the room, but now that we have suitable female representation, it’s been downright sad to watch her crack under pressure.

Case in point – when her single “We Go Up” did the absolute opposite of its name, she didn’t go back to the drawing board, she THREATENED HER OWN FANBASE:

So, if her Barb-arians refuse to push this song she will withhold her album?

…Can we hold you to that promise?

It’s the entitlement that makes me laugh. At some point, artists forgot that it’s up to THEM to prove to their fans that their music is worth their time, it’s not the fans’ duty to make said artist richer! Stan culture has truly melted her brain cells. Either that, or the dye from those wigs.

And before the Barbs run up in here copy and pasting wikipedia stats – their only means of having rational debate – YES, I know that her single “Super Freaky Girl” was a hit. It’s also super freakin’ repetitive, basically Anaconda, Part 37.

5. BlehPink

Remember Pink Sauce?

Remember when that lady from Tik Tok had y’all smearing Pepto Bismol over chicken?

Remember when it was discovered that the ingredients for this Majin Buu butter made as much sense as Lil Pump’s lyrics?

Remember when people asked if this Barb barbecue sauce was FDA approved and the creator Veronica Shaw said “but it’s not a medical product!”

Remember when people were rightfully concerned about the milk-based product spoiling in shipping, the creator said everyone was just trying to tear her down?

Remember all that? I wish I could forget.

4. Papa Wasn’t A Rolling Stone, Thankfully

Looking for more god-awful takes? 2022 was full of ’em!

This past summer, Rolling Stone released a list of the 200 best rap albums of ALL TIME.

Now, we JUST went through this with the Future thing, y’all never learn.

So according to this list’s rankings, in a genre that spans more than four decades and is filled with legit classic albums and bodies of work that reshaped the face of music worldwide, we’re told that Cardi B’s so-so debut IS A BETTER ALBUM THAN ILLMATIC.

You know, Illmatic, the album widely considered to be one of the best records ever made in ANY genre.

Also Drake’s Take Care (one of the better albums of its era, objectively speaking) somehow ranks WAY above legendary works like Dr. Dre’s Tha Chronic, NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, and basically every 2pac album ever made. And, just to prove I truly am the only Unbiased Music Reviewer on the Internet, even I, the biggest Missy Elliott fan you’ll ever meet, had to scoff at her So Addictive album landing at No. 7 on an-all time list. It’s not even her best album, let alone one of the best albums ever made!

It’s like Rolling Stone threw 200 albums in a dirty laundry basket and just picked out LPs at random.

Of course, the REAL reason for this randomness is their desire to serve two masters – appeal to historians like myself but remain relevant to the kiddos. Of COURSE pioneering albums like Tha Chronic and Illmatic need to be at the top of any all-time list, they laid the groundwork for the genre we know and love today. But in order to syphon clicks from the current generation, they had to shoehorn in modern albums to pander to them.

I mean, I loved Tyler the Creator’s 2021 album, it’s probably his best album to date. But to call it the 46th greatest album IN THE HISTORY OF HIP-HOP? We need to do better.

Just wait until I drop my 50 Best Hip-Hop Albums of the 90s list in 2023.

Oh yes, that’s a threat AND a promise.

3. Stupid Gremlin

I expected to get a lot of flak this summer when I gave Kendrick Lamar’s Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers a 5-star review – the first 5-star review in 10 years on this site. I mainly expected pushback from fans who couldn’t quite swallow the album’s hefty themes (there’s been a lot of “bUt ThErE aRe No HiTz” whining on the birdbrain app). What I didn’t expect was outrage over Kendrick’s decision to include Kodak Black on the album … but I absolutely get it. The man is diarrhea made flesh.

Proof: Earlier this year, he made it clear that any female rapper he collaborates with has to be willing to give up their bars AND thier draws. He also expects sex from any woman he signs:

“So why you expect a n***a to just do music with you then?”

Because asking a woman to do the job she’s paid to do is not enough, she must also be a sexual plaything for a man who looks like a rotting cactus.

I swear I hate it here.

I’d say that sort of misogynistic ignorance should be a career-killer, but your boy the Biggest CO Ricky Rawse made similar stupid comments years ago and he’s still around.

Nope, they weren’t false, you said it playa. I just keep a drawer full of receipts.

Kendrick’s album deserves five stars, but the only thing Kodak deserves is the mute button.

2. The Night the Music Died

Inevitably all good things must come to an end. In the case of the Verzuz series, blame Mario and Omarion for putting a bullet in the concept.

During the pandemic, Verzuz was a highlight – hip-hop, R&B and gospel legends (along with other underrated or overlooked stars) coming to together to “battle” via their musical catalogs. Seeing artists in intimate settings while hearing them talk about the creation of their hits while we were all locked in our homes – fun times.

But once the lockdown lifted, Verzuz devolved into hastily thrown together concerts, with diminishing returns each time.

And LAWD did we diminish with this one.

The night started out with a bizarre tag team battle – Ray J and Bobby V against Pleasure P and Sammie.

My One Wish for Ray J was to find a key and stay on it.

Even the baby has had enough!

Sammie played R&B bully, dissing both Ray J and Bobby V, even saying they’d be no Bobby V without him! Um, Bobby was around like five years before Sammie debuted but ain’t nothing like a bold faced lie to get your day started. But I guess they weren’t too mad because all four decided to form a group afterward – RSVP!

Just what we all needed – more generic strip club music.

But the biggest bomb of the night was the main event.

Mario sounded pretty good during his performances. But Omarion?

When your vocals sound like a brick rolling around in a dryer, the next best thing is to try to get a microphone pregnant:

or molest a watermelon on stage:

The ancestors were not pleased.

And we wonder why R&B isn’t taken seriously anymore – our own “legends” (a term I use extremely loosely) are making it an episode of Boondocks.

1. When It All Falls Down

So after years and years AND YEARS of me complaining about KKKanye West’s antics – many times in this very column annually – the world finally wants to wash its hands of him.

Let’s recap the Year that Left Ye Behind:

The man spends the year bullying his ex-wife and her new boyfriend.

He releases an “album” of half-finished tracks on a stem player, and expects fans to do the work he should be doing and clean them up.

He continues his trend of god-awful fashion choices by debuting a White Lives Matter shirt at Paris Fashion Week – a clear move to needlessly troll the community that made him a star.

He gets kicked off of Twitter for anti-Semitic remarks – only for the bastion of free speech Elon Musty to bring him back. Kanye immediately posts a swastika and gets banned AGAIN.

Then he embarks on Nazi World 2022, cozying up to every crackpot commentator to spew MORE hate speech, including showing admiration for Hitler.

ONLY THEN does Adidas and other companies finally say “enough is enough” and pull their deals. Even the most hard-core of Ye’s YesMen quietly began to disown him.

Here’s my question: WHERE WAS THIS ENERGY YEARS AGO?!

This is the same guy who wrapped himself in Confederate imagery, falsely claimed that George Floyd died of a Fentanyl overdose, tried to derail a presidential election, screamed that “slavery was a choice” and made 808s & Heartbreak (the worst offense in my eyes) and we’re JUST NOW saying “enough?”

And before anyone yells “but but mental illness!” understand this important note – I have several family members who wrestle daily with mental illness. It is not their fault, but it is their responsibility. They understand that they have to work through it every day, and they’re some of the strongest people I know. They do not use their illness as a get out of jail free card.

And FYI, mental illness does NOT make you racist.

Kanye West is the worst example of this country’s obsession with hero worship. Fans will overlook every wretched offense their fave commits because, well, admitting his wrongdoings makes them complicit to those crimes. It’s easier to look the other way and keep dancing to lackluster music. It’s called the Arruh Kelly Effect.

It should not have taken this long to throw Kanye West in the recycle bin.

To every podcaster who gave him a platform to leech off his clout

To every fan who responded to each of his misdeeds with “well, but…”

To Kanye himself

Say it with me, class:

Playa. Please.

Who else deserved a Playa Please in 2022? Let us know below.

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2 Comments

  1. Hunter Murphy December 29, 2022 at 9:25 am
    Reply

    You dropped this, King ?. ?.
    The most entertaining article I have read all year.
    this is deserves the literary equivalent of “hang it in the Louvre.”
    I howled from the jump, but this one hurt my sides: “Comparing your peanut butter and Popeye’s biscuit vocals to an icon’s is a losing battle.”

  2. Nathan Stuckey December 29, 2022 at 2:42 pm
    Reply

    You got me going at “interchangeable trap goblins” ???????

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