On Feminism and Chivalry
I have a friend whose picture should be in the dictionary next to the word chivalry. He’s the type to open doors for his wife. When they go out he retrieves the car from its parking space and picks her up at the entrance of wherever they’ve been so she won’t have to do much walking. And he never wants her to pump gas. Ever.
Even though his princess treatment of his wife makes me smile, especially since the two of them are still madly in love even after nearly 20 years of marriage, the feminist in me can’t help but cringe when I hear him say things like “That’s a man’s job.”
And therein lays the dilemma. Can a woman be a feminist and still demand chivalry?
Some men, such as my friend, were just raised to treat women this way. His wife didn’t have to change him to make him the way he is and she’s comfortable with their marriage roles because overall there is pretty equal give and take in their relationship. On any given day you might see her ironing his clothes and bringing him breakfast and later see him going to the grocery store and bringing her dinner.
But when women demand chivalrous acts from men and set rules for what a man’s role should be, they are opening the door for men to do the same, to tell them what their place is in a relationship. And you need to make sure you’re OK with that. Also if you’re dating a man who clearly doesn’t have a chivalrous bone in his body, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of headaches trying to make your lover into something he is not.
I am a feminist married to a chivalrous man. He opens the car door for me and when we stop at Chevron he pumps the gas, even if we’re in my car. But when he left for work this morning I opened the door for him. When he’s facing a busy weekend and his car needs service, I’ll take it to the shop. Yes, I get Edd to open jars for me but that’s because he’s stronger than I am, not because he’ll feel emasculated if I open the Ragu myself. If one of those big scary Alabama bugs gets into our apartment, I’m usually the one to kill it. Not because I’m trying to “be the man” in the relationship, but because I’ve got more practice.
My point is this: while chivalry is nice, true partnership is even better.
I love chivalry. I love partnership. And I love being a woman that is concerned about womanism and issues about women. I think the two can go hand in hand. It’s important to be secure in our own womanism or manliness. So keep opening those doors men!
However people can make a relationship work, who am I to judge the perceived gender roles? However–my man kills the bugs.
Lovely & FUNNY post!
The beauty of feminism for men is that you don’t need to treat a feminist with any more courtesy than you give to a man. If you wouldn’t (stop to help change a flat tire, open a door, pay for a meal, offer a jacket) for a man, a feminist doesn’t want it done for her.