Love Letters: Why Are Black Men Offended When Black Women Date Outside Their Race?

I’m not sure what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but those woods look like this out here:

Before you seek out a warm body for your bed, please make sure he or she isn’t an utter disappointment. Lemme help you out.

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Why is it that when a black woman takes on a white man or a man of another race as a boo black men flip out? For years we have seen them pass us over for white or women of other races.

Fed Up

It’s 2015 and y’all are still out here fussing about melanin levels? There are about 50-eleven more important issues – like why we still haven’t received those hoverboards and self-lacing high-tops Back to the Future Part II promised us.

Still dope.

But you know what’s not dope? Complaining about who someone else is dating like it’s any of your business.

I understand where the frustration lies. When black men – arguably the most stereotyped and subjugated minority group in the country – see black women dating outside their race, they, once again, feel shunned. When society is constantly telling you you’re not good enough, only to see “your women” also turn their backs on you, it’s painful.

But ladies, don’t front like you haven’t experienced that pain yourself. Fed Up says it in her letter —  “we have seen them pass us over for white or women of other races.” It’s yet another minority group that struggles with image and inferiority issues being told they’re not good enough.

Here’s what’s lost in all of this ill will, people – you have the right to date whomever you want. It shouldn’t matter if bae is Smurfette, the She-Hulk or one of those giant blue women from Avatar – as long as that person treats you with respect, love and admiration, what else do you need?

I also hate the weird sense of “duty” that is often batted around in these conversations, as if you’re somehow betraying an entire race by dating outside of it, disparaging your ancestors in the process. I’m pretty sure my ancestors would want me to be with someone who loved me unconditionally first and foremost, not which hair products they use.

Don’t get a brother wrong, I love being married to a black woman. Our cultural experiences are a strong tie, but they’re not the sole bond that keeps us together. It’s the woman herself that makes this relationship unbreakable.

Sure, race is a factor in nearly every major factor in our society, but it’s not the ONLY factor. Finding someone who loves you unconditionally is the biggest hurdle. Everything beyond that – especially other people’s irrelevant opinions – is largely irrelevant.

I’m on a roll, gimmie another question:

Is it true that you cannot control who you fall in love with, or is love only true when it’s convenient?

Tam

I never bought into that “you can’t help who you love” mentality, sorry Ledisi. Love is more than a carnal emotion – if that was the case, we’d be going around humping everything that moves.

But enough about what y’all do on Saturday night.

Love isn’t just raw emotion, it’s also a well-thought out decision. Love is more than just “ol’ girl is THICK” or “he know he can GET DIS,” it’s a feeling that draws you to the physical, mental and emotional aspects of your partner. That takes time and effort on your part. It doesn’t happen by accident. Now sure, you may fall in love with someone who doesn’t return the sentiment, but that’s another issue.

So yeah, you can most certainly control who you fall for, which is why you need to use restraint in picking the perfect partner.