Edd’s MANtra: LL Cool J Beats Down A Burglar

Do they still air that show “World’s Dumbest Criminals?” If so, I have the perfect segment. From latimes.com:

A man who allegedly broke into actor-rapper LL Cool J’s home suffered a broken nose and jaw at the action star’s hands Wednesday morning.

“LL Cool J, and his family, are safe and thank everyone for their thoughts and concern,” his representative said. “As a father, husband and citizen, he is committed to keeping his family safe and is cooperating with authorities on this private matter.”

LL Cool J, who rose to fame with the aptly named hit song “Mama Said Knock You Out” and portrays a special agent on the CBS drama “NCIS Los Angeles,” proved life imitates art and nabbed the burglar inside his expansive Studio City house.

When Los Angeles police arrived at the Blairwood Drive home around 1 a.m. Wednesday, LL Cool J had detained the battered and bruised suspect. The man was later identified as Jonathan Kirby, 56, a transient with a lengthy arrest record for thefts, fights and drugs, officials said.

I’ll be the first to admit that most of the rap personas we endure today are totally fabricated. Do y’all REALLY think Rick Ross is an untouchable drug lord? Or that Drake is cold-blooded killer (don’t make him “catch a body like that…”)? Or that DMX is some kinda werewolf man like the shirtless Abercrombie models from the Twilight films?

Actually, the jury is still out on X. He does look like he eats live cattle.

Still, who in their right mind would go after LL? Have you SEEN LL?

Mr. Alleged Burglar can’t be too bright. First of all, the dude is 56 years old – that’s pretty long in the tooth for a thief. If you’re still breaking in homes in your 50s, something has gone horribly wrong in your criminal career. By 50, he should be organizing those Ocean Eleven-type heists while wearing a smoking jacket and sipping a martini, not scrambling out of windows like Bruh Man from Martin. The dude can’t be very nimble at that age.

Second, if I’m going after someone’s personal belongings, the last guy I’d pick is someone who looks like he juggles bowling bowls. LL has a bodybuilding book! I guess 50-pound hoodlums like Big Sean and Soulja Boy are somehow more intimidating.

Well, Mr. Alleged Burglar figured he’d get rich or die tryin’, and nearly did. LL immediately snatched him up, busted him up, and ended his reign of terror before it even began. Somewhere, Canibus sheds a tear. He knows how that feels. And I bet Kool Moe Dee just threw his shades on the floor and stomped them.

When I take my rightful place as president of these United States, LL Cool J will be my Secretary of Defense. And I’m sure his first edict will be for every troop to listen to this song day in and out: