The 2024 Playa Please Awards: The Worst Celebrity Nonsense of the Year

December 20, 2024commentary, playa please awards0

Tis the season for slander! Yep, it’s time of year where I rant and rave about the 12 months of torture your worst fave celebrities put us through.

And I know we’re all here for one reason:

But we’ll get to Owlman later. There’s many more who can – and will – incur my wrath. In fact, this year has been so chaotic that I’ve been getting requests all year long about this year’s column.

Katt Williams, look what you started.

As always, a few caveats on the rules:

Don’t expect any political rants because lord knows there’s enough of that going on. However, I do touch on a few … orange matters. Also, we’re not making light of anything involving concrete abuse allegations, so keep the Diddy and Arruh Kelly talk amongst yourselves. Besides, I’ve already made my feelings clear about both – they’re scum.

Everyone else? Fair game. Let’s get to it.

10. Noooooo, Joe!

Sometimes in life, you’re forced to do things you really don’t want to do. You know, like scrubbing a toilet, paying your taxes or pretending you’re OK hugging that musty lady when the church pastor tells you to greet your neighbor.

Black churches do get hot.

But if you’re Fat Joe Slender Jospeh, sometimes you just HAVE to buy the gaudy shoes of a man who spent years demonizing Latinos. For the culture, you see.

Months before we were stuck with that guy as president again, Joe clamed he just HAD to buy the new Donald Trump sneaker – despite not liking the man and vowing to never vote for him – because he owed it to the art of shoe collecting.

I mean, look at that shoe. Do you really want your closet smelling like cheap gold spraypaint?

So Joey, you love the culture so much that you’re willing to give money to a man who you admit is actively HURTING that culture? This is like Bruce Wayne funding the Joker’s 401K.

But if that’s the move, I hope y’all hate me so much that you buy my new book, available, January 21!

9. All of the Lies, All of the Lies

Compared to many of the other lunatics on this list, Kanye has had a pretty quiet 2024. And thank Keith Sweat for that because if I had to deal with him dropping fart-flavored lip balm like some other weirdos around here I’d lose it.

But more on that later.

Still, Kanye had to give us SOMETHING to make our brains melt, like back in March when he claimed during an interview that he invented every style of music in the past 20 years:

I created Weeknd genre, [Travis Scott], Drake. I’ma go ahead and say it, with all love, Future and [Young] Thug also because the auto-tune album, 808s [and Heartbreak],”

So hold up. According to this guy, there have only been three new styles of music in the past 20 years – Weaknd’s vampire strip club music; Future and Young Thug’s Autobot “bops;” and Drake, who just stole both and mushed them into one.

Now listen, before you stans run in here breathing your hot Taki breath in the comments, I’m sure all four of those artists would admit they’re INSPIRED by Kanye. But to say he INVENTED this type of music is a bigger lie than team that told him he was good at designing clothes.

Weeknd’s early sound is quite obviously borrowed from Aaliyah’s moody final album and she’s even sampled on his early projects. (We’ll skip his current 80s cosplay obsession because even Kanye must think that’s played out – he doesn’t use that).

Kanye claiming that he “invented” auto-tune is hilarious when the arch enemy of R&B is still living and breathing:

He had already popularized the gimmick back when Kanye was still putting effort in his raps. And you can’t even call T-Pain an innovator when he stole it from an artist who made it famous decades before some of y’all were alive.

And Aubrey just goes around collecting other people’s sounds like Fat Joe collects oppressive sneakers. There’s nothing original about his music. I’m not even sure why he was brought up.

When LIL BOOSIE of all people is the voice of reason, you know Ye is down bad.

8. Our National Nightmare

If EVER we needed a loud Black auntie to scream TAKE YOUR TIME, BABY, TAKE YOUR TIME, it was during this rendition of the National Anthem.

Ingrid Andress later apologized, said she was lit – the drunk kind, not the hype kind – and would be entering rehab.

I hope she, her voice and our ears all get the help needed after that fiasco.

Also shout out to the players fighting for their lives not to bust out laughing on camera. You are the true heroes.

7. Lil Momma Thang

Look, I don’t have kids. I’ve had the honor of serving as mentor/replacement dad/OG uncle/real life uncle to dozens and dozens of young people. But I’ve never claimed any children on my taxes.

Sounds like I’m hustling backward, actually.

But while some of y’all will say I have no right to criticize someone else’s parenting … watch me criticize someone else’s parenting.

DJ Envy thought it would be an incredible idea to have his family recreate Lil Kim’s “Crush on You” video. It’s one of my favorite video of all time too, so I get it.

But what I would NEVER EVER DO is have my young daughter – or any young girl for that matter – dressed up in red bandages for a Lil Kim look.

I know it’s 2024 and Ho is Life so I’m not playing purity police here. I’m a huge fan of Kim, I named Megan thee Stallion latest album the best of her career and of the best of the year, and my favorite artist of all time is Missy Elliott, who lowkey might be nastier than all of them. I’m no prude.

The difference is  I’m a grown man, they are grown women, and Envy’s daughter is EIGHT. Putting a child in that position just to get some of that sweet Halloween engagement clout was a horrible move.

Don’t get a playa wrong – I’m not calling child services on Envy. I don’t think he’s intentionally exploiting her, he just didn’t think things through – and that’s the problem. Adults gotta be adults. Protect the babies while they’re still babies.

6. The Neverending Story

I know y’all have spent all year talking about Drake – and TRUST ME, I’ll get to that guy – but he has nothing on Benzino, who historically has taken more Ls than an illegally lazy llama at the Laff-a-Lympics.

Earlier this year we thought he had finally, FINALLY learned his lesson and ended his eternal beef with Eminem when during a drunken Drink Champs interview (obviously), he admitted that “Eminem ain’t no bad person … I don’t hate Eminem because I don’t know him.” And even that “he belongs in hip-hop.”

A month later, he’s back on his BS.

Zino stopped by Eminem’s hometown restaurant, Mom’s Spaghetti, stole the restaurant’s signage, threws a plate of food to the ground and gleefully ran off like something was actually accomplished.

(I had video and IG posts of this incident bookmarked but he has since removed them. Of course.)

BTW, Raymond “Benzino” Scott is 59 years old.

What do these antics from an almost literal senior citizen tell us?

Well, I believe alcohol is the closest thing we have to truth serum. Benzino doesn’t hate Eminem, he just loves attention. And the only thing that keeps him relevant is continuing bring up a feud from 25 years ago that no one cares about anymore.

The playa is Emperor Pilaf from Dragon Ball.

Zino, please. Sit down. Eat your spaghetti, and stop catching Ls like Pokemon. You might break a hip.

5. (Don’t) Get It Sexyy

Have you ever contracted a horrible case of food poisoning, vomited all over the toilet seat, then kissed that puke-covered seat and immediately tongue-kissed your man?

Now you can!

Sexyy Red put out a very gross lip gloss line. That picture alone is making this post smell like 60-year-old blue cheese.  

Moving on.

4. Weezy F Baby and the F is for Fraudulent

I know, I know, this is the part of the post where y’all expect Wayne to be dragged for filth for picking a fight with Kendrick Lamar because Kenny will be headlining the New Orleans Super Bowl halftime show, a spot he thought he was entitled to.

Y’all really wanted man who couldn’t make it through 90 seconds of his biggest hit without going blank to headline the biggest performance of the year?

Playa pl … y’all know the rest.

Honestly, I wasn’t even trippin off that – I figured that VERY ill-advised and one-sided feud with Kendrick was manufactured by social media stans (and his salty labelmates) egging him on.

But what DOES land Wayne on this list – along with fellow Playa Please stalwart, my Cousin Chris Brown, Marshmello, Rae Sremmurd and more – is what was just unveiled this week: Several artists were afforded massive grants to keep the lights on during the COVID era. And they used that money like a bunch of Chuck-E-Cheese kids in the 90s.

The Shuttered Venue Operators Grant was a $200 million fund distributed to help artists offset costs due to canceled tours and other expenses.

But what did they do? Used millions of your tax dollars to throw parties for themselves!

For example, Cousin Chris got $10 million, paid himself $5 million and spent $80,000 on a birthday party. $80,000 – one dollar for every track on that wretched Heartbreak on a Full Moon deluxe album.

I’M STILL BITTER.

But our boy Young Moolah lived up to his name. Check out how Wayne spent his nearly $9 million:

Mack Maine got a millie, his ex manager got two millie, more than a millie on private jets, half a millie on clothes.

And yet he STILL can’t remember the words to “A Milli” – the only millie he SHOULD be worried about.

The most hilarious is $15K for “mystery women,” like there’s a roster of former Flavor of Love contestants lined up for their tithes and offerings.

Y’all are worried about a Super Bowl performance, I’m more worried about my tax dollars funding Wayne’s 1 millie worth of “everything else.”

3. Cookies n’ scream

In a less insane 12 months, the antics of Angela Simmons would have dominated Twitter headlines. But in a year defined by rap moguls getting locked up and rap frauds getting shut up, Angela acting like a Ren & Stimpy guest star seems… quaint.

First off, our girl decided to attend the BET Awards with a purse SHAPED LIKE A GUN.

Keep in mind, that this was during the murder trial of rapper Young Dolph, a crime her boyfriend Yo Gotti was allegedly connected to. So yeah, waving around a fake firearm IN FRONT OF CAMERAS AND TENS OF THOUANDS OF VIEWERS wasn’t the best idea.

Now if that purse gun shot out grandma peppermints and those little strawberry things wrapped in strawberry paper, maybe I’d give her a little bit more slack. But just a little.

To her credit, she did apologize. But since the PurseGunGate was getting things a little too hot in the streets, Angela hit us with a distraction a few weeks later: a video of her chillin in a bathtub of Oreos.

Ma’am why are you wasting good Oreos? Is somebody supposed to eat that after they’ve been under your armpits? What is the point of this Peter Griffin fetish?

Well I guess the point was to make us forget about that gun purse, so mission accomplished.

I bet she’s still picking Oreo crumbs out of her toenails.

2. So Many Tears

Let’s take a needed pause from the slander and provide a little sympathy.

Every year, we lose beloved actors, musicians, thought leaders and changemakers. ‘Tis the circle of life.

(And meanwhile, the scummiest of trash bags are still running around here healthy and happy with their pork rind-encrusted arteries … but I said I was gonna chill on the slander, my bad.)

But this year felt different. Almost weekly, we lost some of the most important cultural icons of their respective eras. Men and women who reshaped music, who inspired countless fans with their art and whose words broke barriers.

I know it’s easy to say “death is just a part of life.” But when our lives were built by their great works, that pain resounds. Our world is a lot less smart, and a lot less cool without these legends:

Fatman Scoop

Frankie Beverly

Carl Weathers

Akira Toriyama, creator of Dragon Ball

Louis Gossett Jr

Chance Perdomo of Gen V

Donald Southerland

Duke Fakir of the Four Tops

Richard Simmons

Dr. Ruth

Sandra Crouch

Saafir

James Earl Jones

Kris Kristofferson

Tito Jackson

Rich Homie Quan

Liam Payne of One Direction

Cissy Houston

Tony Todd, aka Candyman

Willie Mays

Bo$$

DJ Clark Kent

Angela Bofill

Chino XL

Ka

Mister Cee

Rico Wave

John Amos

Quincy Jones

Nikki Giovanni

And on a personal note, a big shoutout to my forever homie Corey Peterson, whom we unexpectedly lost three months ago. He looked forward to these Playa Please Awards every year. Hope I did you proud this year, my guy.

For every friend we lose, we gain an angel.

1. When Culture Vultures Came Home to Roost

Jay Z told y’all in 2001 – “only so long fake thugs can pretend.”

And I’ve been telling y’all for nearly two decades that your beloved Aubrey Graham would eventually run out of smoke and mirrors.

In 2024, that mirror cracked and he got seven years of bad TDE luck.

I’m not gonna relitigate one of the most dramatic falls from grace in rap history – how Kendrick goaded J. Cole and Drake into a battle for rap supremacy; how Cole wisely jumped ship before hitting the K Dot iceberg (proving that he Nastradamus-like foresight); how Drake took every cheap shot in the book, taunting Kendrick for “taking too long” to deliver his responses; getting absolutely decimated with each new diss track that Kendrick released, culminating in the scathing “Not Like Us” becoming one of the biggest records of the year; and then Drake slowly becoming rap’s laughingstock as Kendrick dropped an acclaimed album, landed a spot at the Super Bowl and planned a world tour.

Guess I did relitigate the whole story after all.

And while I can sit here and point out every misstep, every bad decision and every ego trip Canada Dry forced us to sit through in 2024, let’s just talk about the worst offense:

If he can’t beat Kendrick, he’ll sue him.

I don’t like using the term “Karen.” Every woman I’ve known named Karen is among the sweetest, most kind people you’d ever meet. But that human pumpkin spice latte is not like them. Or us.

Per AP: Drake alleged in a court filing that Universal Music Group falsely pumped up the popularity on Spotify and other streaming services of Kendrick Lamar’s “Not Like Us,” a song that viciously attacked Drake amid a bitter feud between the two hip-hop superstars.

I ask you this, dear reader: If you lost a rap battle would you:

  1. Get it the booth and release a response track
  2. Lay low for a year or so, let the heat die down and return with some new hotness
  3. Call your lawyers and SUE SOMEBODY

If you chose C, you are NOT hip-hop.

Drake is NOT hip-hop. But I’ve been telling y’all that since 2015-something.

Aubrey’s beef is that UMG allegedly flooded airwaves with “Not Like Us” and employed bots to make it go viral and hurting his starpower. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s true. The song caught on like wildfire, and bots are a known industry tactic to keep the momentum rolling. Besides, he would know.

What makes this whole thing the HEIGHT of hypocrisy is Drake OF ALL PEOPLE is screaming about an artist getting preferential treatment. The man whose music has been playing NONSTOP on stations for more than a decade? The man whose songs were randomly showing up on gospel playlists a few years back? The guy whose songs were infesting Spotify like roaches so badly that fans were demanding refunds! THIS is person who has been victimized?

Let there be no doubt – Drake was never a part of hip-hop culture. He was an actor playing rapper, and the second things didn’t go his way he played victim and threw a tantrum – just like every brat when they’re banished from the cool kids’ table.

The only thing he deserves is a mouthful of Angela Simmons’ armpit Oreos.

Playa please.

Who was on your naughty list this year? Share your worst below.

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