Take It Outside: Eminem vs. Mariah Carey

Have you seen Mariah Carey’s new video, “Obsessed?” It’s a swipe at Eminem, who has been poking fun at Mariah for years after they allegedly dated. Em hasn’t wasted any time in responding – he dropped “The Warning” a couple of days ago, where he advises Mariah and her manservant Nick Cannon to leave him alone before Em unleashes the big guns.

I’d advise the Cannons to quit while they’re ahead. We all know what happens when Eminem gets riled up.

Since we’ll never see Eminem and Mariah go at it for real, let’s see how they measure up, Take It Outside style.

Album covers: When I first saw the cover for Relapse, I had no idea what was going on. Is his face made out of sand? Is he emerging from a pile of vomit? Then I looked at the bottom left corner and realized that those little things are pills. Which is kinda cool, I guess. Vomit would have been better, though.

E=MC2 doesn’t do much for me. It looks like Mariah got out of the shower, realized that she left her towel on the other side of the room and covered herself with a rug from the bathroom floor. See, she’s even drying her armpit.

Eminem 1, Mariah Carey 0

Album quality: Em’s big comeback album is easily the high-profile release of the year thus far, but in my Relapse review, I found that it didn’t quite live up to the hype. Don’t get me wrong, Em is lyrically head and shoulders above nearly every artist out today but I was pretty disappointed that Relapse treads the same ground as Em circa 2000 – hating his mom and pretending to be a serial killer. There’s little new here, except his weird accents. At nearly 20 tracks, the album gets old quickly.

I think I was in the minority, but I rather liked last year’s E=MC2. Consider it the diet version of The Emancipation of Mimi. Everything that made that album great is here – the power ballads, the dumb club songs you’re afraid to admit you like – but on a smaller scale. You won’t hear “Touch My Body” sung at a junior high talent show (although you never know these days…) but it’s fun nonetheless.

Eminem 1, Mariah Carey 1

Sales: Relapse sold more than 600,000 copies in the U.S. in its first week alone – big, big numbers when you consider that nearly everyone had it on bootleg two weeks before the official release. It stands at well over a million sold, and expect that number to keep growing.

Mariah has always been a top seller, and E=MC2 continues that tradition. Like Relapse, it had a big debut (463,000 copies sold in the first week) and again, like Relapse, E=MC2 has sold more than a million copies. However, with Mariah preparing to drop a new album next month, I doubt E=MC2 will move many more copies. Em has a much greater chance for growth.

Eminem 2, Mariah Carey 1

Crews: When rappers make it big they love to drag along their less-talented friends. Thus, the world was introduced to D12. A couple of the members weren’t that bad, but Bizarre – the fat dude in the shower cap – needed to go sit down. Let’s not forget 50 Cent, who was but a mere mixtape rapper with a lot of buzz before Eminem shoved him down our throats. And then 50 dragged along HIS crew, G-Unit. See how the vicious cycle starts?

Remember Allure?

Don’t give me that blank expression. You remember Allure. They had a few songs in the late 90s, including their remake of “All Cried Out” with 112.

They were on Mariah’s record label Crave, until she gave ’em the boot.

Sorry, but 50 Cent > Allure.

Eminem 3, Mariah Carey 1

Most surprising collaboration: Remember when Eminem performed “Stan” with Elton John at the Grammys in 2001? This was during the height of Eminem’s crazy gay bashing phase, so not only did it help him save face, the song wasn’t half bad either.

Remember when Mariah Carey dragged Trey Lorenz from his cave during the Michael Jackson memorial concert? They sang “I’ll Be There” way back in 1992 and my jaw hit the floor when he reappeared for the MJ tribute. I assumed they’d just plug in Ne-Yo or, ugh, The-Dream.

Eminem 4, Mariah Carey 1

War of words: Eminem’s “Bagpipes from Baghdad” is what started this ridiculous beef, but Em has been talking about Mariah for years now. Remember “Superman” from 2001?

What you Mariah? fly through twice

I don’t know, just like the “Bagpipes” song, it seems like he threw Mariah’s name out there merely from bitterness. You’d think he and Mariah had a nasty divorce. I’m sure it wasn’t that serious.

While there is slight doubt that Mariah is NOT dissing Em on her new song “Obsessed” (although it’s pretty clear to me that she is), she certainly went in on Em back in 2002. Here are some select lyrics from “Clown”:

and I should’ve never called you back

****

And cries, cries, cries, cries

****

Who knew Mariah was such a pimp? Letting Em take her G5, then telling him to get lost? It’s like the high school jock that lets a girl wear his jacket and then laughs at her when her feelings get hurt and she breaks out into tears. Mariah’s a thug.

Eminem 4, Mariah Carey 2

Legacy: This is a tough one. Eminem and Mariah are both industry leaders and reside at the top of their respective genres. But both are also seen as being completely crazy.

Here’s the difference – to mainstream America, Mariah is seen as a troubled but extremely talented artist. But mainstream America JUST sees Eminem as a troubled artist. See the difference? Eminem’s personal problems often overshadow his talent. It’s not fair, especially since Mariah has had her share of drama, but those problems will always be a strike against him.

Eminem 4, Mariah Carey 3

Despite a late rally from MC, Em came out on top. Still, isn’t it cute to see two completely insane people gravitate toward each other? It’s like The Secretary: The Musical.