The 2021 Playa Please Awards: The Worst Celebrities Living Their Worst Lives

You love it – I hate it.

It’s time for the annual Playa Please Awards, that horrible time of year when I get to relive the trauma of stupidity your fave celebs put us through all year.

Before we look at the year’s worst offenders, as always a reminder – we’ll (mostly) stay away from political drama, so no insurrectionists dressed like the COW-Boys of Moo Mesa. Also, I’m leaving the legal drama aside, so no Juicy Smollet or Tory Lanez (although he rightfully deserves the No. 1 spot).

Don’t worry, we have more than enough drama to dig through. Grab a sandwich, we’re gonna be here awhile, playas.

11. Alicia Keys’ Stans Look Just As Dumb Outside Their Work Clothes

True story – this awards post was all ready to go when I got word of THIS nonsense, which delayed things awhile because you know I had to clap back. So blame the stans, per usual.

Here’s the short version – I reviewed Alicia Keys’ most recent album. It was garbage. Like I said in the review, it’s like she recorded a bunch of boring piano ballads but realized she’d put 90% of her fanbase to sleep like it’s Jigglypuff’s Greatest Hits. So she called in a hip-hop producer to give the project more energy and instead of taking the best from both recording sessions – you know, like how it’s SUPPOSED to be done – she just dropped everything in our laps and expected fans to figure it out.

So let me get my math right – out of 26 songs, you’ve got maybe, what, seven good ones? That means about 74% of your album is booty. Both cheeks for each disc. So no, you don’t get a good review for that strategy.

Here’s how the stans responded!

You mean this collage? pic.twitter.com/WcoBr23RhD

— ninja ?? (@halfmanho) December 25, 2021

Never thought I’d be on Alicia’s enemies’ list with … Lalah Hathaway (???) but here we are.

A few facts for the room:

Want to know the last time I gave a 5-star R&B review? It wasn’t Confessions or Emancipation of Mimi or The Breakthrough, it was The Diary of Alicia Keys.

I also named Alicia the queen of R&B for the 2000s; own the physical copy of every one of her albums (except the new one, cuz again, BOTH CHEEKS), meaning I PAID REAL MONEY for them; and the very first concert I attended with my now-wife was an Alicia show. AND I’m one of the few around here who tell folks to mind their business when they drag Alicia for her family drama. Whatever beef she may or may not have had with Swizz’s ex was squashed A DECADE AGO. If they got over it, y’all can too.

Besides, y’all tell me about your relationship issues all the time. Don’t front like you’re the last 15 minutes of Issa and Lawrence on Insecure when you’re really the first 30 minutes of Malcom & Marie.

So it seems from my track record that, gosh, I’m a huge Alicia Keys fan and supporter – I just won’t make excuses for a bad album.

How much actual money do you think the creator of that video has spent on supporting Alicia over the years? They couldn’t even use a real Alicia song in the video – they’d rather give coins to Megan!

Step your stanning game up. And expect more from your favorite artists.

10. Our National Nightmare of an Anthem

The King of Roaches & Bedbugs is at it again.

When y’all told me Jacquees was the GOAT, I didn’t know we were supposed to take that literally but these barnyard vocals are saying otherwise. Why does he always sound like he’s singing while rolling around in the dryer? Or the E key on his Macbook is stuck? Can we PLEASE do better in 2022?!

9. When Kirk Thinks About Your Drama, It Makes Him Want to … STOMP

Every year these socializing mediums remind me that I’m just an out-of-touch old man, with wanting my albums to be complete bodies of work and expecting my singers to actually be able to sing and not just make TikToks. How dare I! But I’m also reminded that y’all put WAY too much personal business on these apps just for clout.

Kerrion Franklin, son of gospel legend Kirk Franklin just KNEW he was gonna get ALL the algorithms in his favor when he recorded his dad cussing him out and blasted it online.

He got all the hashtags all right. But they weren’t in his favor.

Kirk went from beholding the lamb to beholding dem handz, telling his son he’d “put his foot in his a**” and will “break your neck, n****” for being disrespected.

STOMP! YOU CAN’T TAKE MY JOY DEVIL.

Kerrion’s stunt backfired – instead of social media running to his defense, most of us wondered what was the point of making his dad’s outbursts public in the first place?

Oh yeah, CLOUT.

Kirk has long been honest with his fans about his mistakes – he’s a man of God but he’s a man first, so he’s gonna make mistakes. He quickly apologized for the outburst and everyone with good sense accepted it and moved on. Obviously I’m not defending Kirk for threatening to rain down Melodies from Heaven on his son’s face but I promise it’s OK TO KEEP SOME THINGS IN THE HOUSE.

Plus, I’m sorry, we ain’t canceling the man who made the Kirk Family & The Family Christmas album.

8. Nevermind Your Frivolous Lawsuit

Everybody wants a check.

I’m sure most of you reading this know Nirvana’s iconic Nevermind cover – the one with the naked baby swimming toward a dollar bill.

It’s like OnlyFans personified in one image.

Well, 30 years laters, Spencer Elden, owner of said baby penis, says he has suffered “lifelong damages” from the image and that it is “commercial child sexual exploitation” and child pornography.

This is the same playa who has recreated that cover at least FIVE times

No one:

Spencer Elden: recreates album cover 5 times over his life and THEN sues the band. pic.twitter.com/uNL10XbHcY

— ɴᴏ ᴄᴜᴛs ɴᴏ ʙᴜᴛs ɴᴏ ᴄᴏᴄᴏɴᴜᴛs (@damn_elle420) August 28, 2021

AND has Nevermind tatted across his chest.

Nirvana rightfully told this dude to grow into his penis and sit down.

This would be like me suing Jacquees for damaged brain cells after hearing his National Atrocity Anthem but I have the lyrics tatted on my back. But we know that ain’t true because I’d run out of space trying to get all the E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es in.

7. Pretty Girl Gets Rocked

I try to stay away from the political stuff in these posts because it will just be 57 posts yelling at MAGA maggots and Ashy Wokes wearing oversized kufis.

But I couldn’t let this one go.

EX-President Trump (I like “ex” more than “former” because ex sounds more permanent), FINALLY got kicked off Twitter in January for continuing to fan hate flames following the insurrection on Capitol Hill.

Of ALL people, Keri Hilson ran to his defense, saying it’s “dangerous” to have Trump silenced and that even he deserves freedom speech.

I can tell who slept through civics class.

FOR.

THE.

LAST.

TIME.

Let me outline what Freedom of Speech really means. The First Amendment protects you from facing retaliation from the government if you speak out against them. So if I, as a journalist, criticize the Trump administration’s response to COVID, refusal to take climate change seriously, attacks on the health care system, embracing racists, etc., I can’t be thrown in jail for that.

It does NOT give you the freedom to go to work tomorrow, call your boss a ho and NOT get fired. Do stupid things, get stupid results. So yes, if you INCITE INSURRECTIONS on Twitter, you can rightfully walk into an active volcano. You do not have freedom from consequences in this country. But this is the same lady who once blamed COVID on 5G towers and is a known-anti-vaxxer. Sometimes common sense comes around … and it knocks you down.

There are consequences for everything, Keri, including fighting with Beyonce’s fanbase. As you probably know by now.

6. A Fall From Grace

This one hurts my heart but I’m sorry, it’s the Playa Please Awards, no one is safe.

That includes the beloved Phylicia Rashad, your fake TV momma who fixed her Twitter fingers to support your fake TV dad. You know, the guy who admitted to drugging women but got off on a technicality.

Bill Cosby was released from prison this past summer after it was found he was denied a fair trial when he was found guilty of drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand in 2004. During the trial, though, Cosby had admitted getting prescription Quaaludes to give to women he wanted to have sex with and using his fame to get away with it.

After Bill was released, Rashad tweeted: “FINALLY!!!! A terrible wrong is being righted- a miscarriage of justice is corrected!”

Oh word, Claire? Tell that to the 460,000 victims of rape and sexual abuse this country sees each year.

To her credit, Rashad apologized and removed the original tweet, so props for that. But it’s yet another reason y’all have to learn to separate the real-life humans from the infallible TV characters. Humans often have opinions that are more raggedy than a gold Gordon Gartrell shirt.

5. Kelso and Meg Griffin’s Soap Gets Punk’d

I mentioned this earlier, but y’all are way to quick to put your funky business on social media.

Literally.

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis appeared on an episode of Dax Shepard’s “Armchair Expert” podcast where the couple admitted … sigh, THEY DON’T WASH REGULARLY.

Listen to these excuses:

Kunis said she didn’t have running water growing up. What’s that got to do with today, Y’ALL RICH NOW! Sometimes we didn’t have heat growing up, I’m not going to bed with the oven door open while wearing a coat!

Kutcher said of his kids: “If you can see the dirt on them, clean them,” he said. “Otherwise, there’s no point.” Since when can you SEE germs, Kelso? Clearly that’s not the case, the way y’all are still ki-ki-ing in each other’s faces with the COVID Omarion variant is still Bump Bump Bumpin through y’all’s immune systems.

Also Kutcher says he washes his “armpits and my crotch daily and nothing else ever,” and has a tendency to “throw some water on my face after a workout to get all the salts out.” This man is doing full workouts smelling like an orangutan’s thong and going about his business.

LORD HELP US.

After getting flamed by everyone with good sense, the couple promises to be more mindful about washing the Cocoa Krispies out of their buttcracks but don’t EVER ask these two to contribute to the potluck at work.

4. How You Gonna Act Like That?!

It wouldn’t be a Playa Please Awards without Tyrese Gibson setting Black men back about 300 years. I can’t even spend much time on this one.

Tyrese’s girlfriend Zelie Timothy decides … to share a video of him shaving … her pocketbook.

That’s what old ladies used to call their vagina. Their pocketbook? Why? Is there loose change and old peppermints in there?

Anyway let’s move on because Tyrese makes me itch and I don’t want him offering to shave me next.

3. Impossible Beef

Nas vs Jay Z. Cube vs NWA. 50 Cent vs Ja Rule. Pac vs half the East Coast.

The biggest rap beefs of all time gave us unforgettable moments and, most importantly, diss tracks that stand the test of time today.

So someone please explain to me why WHY we’re supposed to care about the 2021 pillow fight between Kanye West and Drake?

I won’t get into the entire timeline here – you’d fall asleep quicker than listening to that new Alicia album, but the pair have been taking potshots at each other for a decade, despite still working with each other for years. Which sounds like something 4th grade girls would do, but whatever. The drama picked up during the Pusha T/Drake rivalry of 2018, when Aubrey REALLY learned what a real rap beef was – those Kid Cudi and Meek Mill feuds were cafeteria kangaroo meat, King Push was a full-grown T-bone.

Then things got going again earlier this year with Kanye sharing screenshots of group texts.

And posting Drake’s address online for a hot second.

With Aubrey replying with video of himself laughing.

Nothing tangible, just passive aggressive tweets and one-off subliminals in random songs.

WHO TAUGHT Y’ALL HOW TO RAP BEEF?

Where are the bars? The soul-crushing diss tracks? Lupe Fiasco and Royce da 5’9 had a WAY better rivalry this year – great tracks back and forth that emphasized competition, aired some grievances and most importantly stayed on wax.

Meanwhile, the “I just started listening to rap in 2013 crew” on Twitter are proclaiming this the greatest beef of a generation? Well, maybe that’s true if your generation came up eating Tide Pods.

Of course, J Prince grabbed both guys by their ears and made them reconcile in the name of a Larry Hoover benefit show so this stuntshow was moot anyway.

What’s Beef? Not this.

2. The Misinformation of Lyin Hill

80s babies will feel me on this – growing up, there was always that ONE kid who was a walking lie. The one who always had a mysterious uncle who worked at Nintendo and allowed him to play the Super Nintendo before everyone else, or had an aunt who worked at a record label and sent him your fave’s album months early. He couldn’t share it with you, of course, that would be a breach of family trust. But telling you ALLLLLL about all this cool stuff clearly was not.

That brings us to Nicki Minaj, you know, the woman y’all crowned the queen of rap because there were ZERO mainstream female acts for half a decade, the same lady who hasn’t recorded an album higher than 3 stars in her life. Yeah, her.

Earlier this year, she said she wouldn’t attend the Met Gala due to the vaccine requirement, saying she needed more research. At this point how much more research you need? Doesn’t she admit to popping molly on every song? How much research are you doing on THAT?

But that’s whatever. This is the tweet that annoyed me:

My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) September 13, 2021

This woman just used her platform of 23 MILLION followers to peddle misinformation because her “cousin’s friend” (who probably works at Nintendo AND Def Jam) got swollen balls and BECAME IMPOTENT? Did he get the vaccine or did he drink bleach?

EVERYONE called her out on her stupidity, even many fans. At first, she took it in stride. But then as usual the GARBAJ jumped out, with Nicki attacking Joy Reid who rightfully called her out for her blatant misinformation.

.@JoyAnnReid responds to @NICKIMINAJ‘s tweets on the #COVID19 vaccine: “For you to use your platform to encourage our community to not protect themselves and save their lives… As a fan, I am so sad that you did that.” #TheReidOut #reiders pic.twitter.com/nmr85LSmug

— The ReidOut (@thereidout) September 13, 2021

Then HERE CAME THE LIES.

She claimed Twitter suspended her account – they didn’t.

THEN she claimed the White House offered to have her stop by to explain why the vaccine is safe – they did NOT. But they did offer to call her to get her to shut up.

But she did briefly become an anti-vaxx hero for the nerds at Fox News, although everyone who works there is already vaccinated, so it’s just all pink-haired propaganda from the world’s most irresponsible rapper.

I told y’all to shut this woman down in like 2013. Blame yourselves.

1. Please (Don’t) Say DaBaby

You know what’s wrong with the world? Social media taught y’all that the appropriate response to criticism isn’t an apology, it’s a clapback. And that just digs the hole deeper.

I’m annoyed because a couple of years ago DaBaby was one of the few new mainstream rappers I sorta supported. Yeah, I know he’s 80 percent teeth and 20 percent talent but there was still potential. He wasn’t great yet (he had the same 3-star disease that Nicki has had for a whole decade) but he had a decent flow and, most importantly, he sounded distinct on tracks. You KNEW it was him when his verse hit, and not Migos Clone No. 42353 like most of his peers.

But then his records got repetitive and he decided to double down on his homophobia so he can go make snow angels on an active racetrack.

During his Rolling Loud performance earlier this year, he dropped these … nuggets. Turd nuggets.

“If you didn’t show up today with HIV, AIDS, or any of them deadly sexually transmitted diseases, that’ll make you die in two to three weeks, then put your cellphone lighter up. Ladies, if your p**** smell like water, put your cellphone lighter up. Fellas, if you ain’t sucking d*** in the parking lot, put your cellphone lighter up.”

Apparently the crowd was so mad DaBaby almost got a-shoe-sinated like Bush back in the day.

When he was called out for his nonsensical comments, did DaBaby apologize?

OH NO WE DON’T DO THAT IN 2021

“The lights went up gay or straight, you wanna know why? ‘Cause even my gay fans don’t got f***ing AIDS, stupid-a** n****s. They don’t get AIDS, my gay fans they take care of they self. They ain’t no nasty gay n***as, see what I’m saying? They ain’t no junkies.”

Now’s the time to apologize, right? OH NO CAN’T HAVE THAT!

“I’ma address this weak-A** internet s*** one time and then I’ma get back to giving my love to my fans. What me and my fans do at the live show, it don’t concern you n****s on the internet, or you bitter b*****s on the Internet. It’s not your business. What I do at a live show is for the audience at the live show, it’ll never translate correctly to someone looking a little five-six second clip from they god*** crib on they phone. It just don’t work like that.”

ONLY after his sponsorships got threatened did we finally get this:

“Anybody who done ever been effected by AIDS/HIV y’all got the right to be upset, what I said was insensitive even though I have no intentions on offending anybody. So my apologies.”

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE:

“& for any brands, networks, or artists that like to profit off of black rappers influence on the culture, without understanding it or having the patience to deal with what comes with the position we play in our culture.

Keep yo money next time
us “N****S” human too.”

What you’re NOT gonna do, DaBaby, is link blackness to your homophobia, we ain’t got nothing to do with that. That’s ALL YOU.

The homie gets to close out 2021 with less sponsorships, less fans, da usual dababymomma drama, those same ol 3-star albums, and the crooked crown for Playa Please champion of 2021.

Sigh. Say it with your chest:

Who else deserved to be Playa Please’d in 2021? Let us know below.