Love Letters: Should Friends and Family Be Kept Out of Relationship Issues?

RIP DMX.

RIP Black Rob.

RIP Shock G.

Black men, please take care of yourselves. It hurts me to see so many of our favorites not even making it to age 60.

On that sobering note, let’s dig into the inbox to see what’s going on in your relationships.

Nothing but mess, I’m sure.

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Do you think it’s a good idea to keep your friends and family out of your relationship/marital issues?

H.K.

Poet Laureate Christopher Wallace once blessed our eardrums with this gem of wisdom:

7: this rule is so underrated
Keep your family and business completely separated

Of course, Frank White was talking about movin’ weight and not family and friends who hate, but he’s not too far off.

(No) thanks to social media, our world is more public than it’s ever been, and that includes our relationships. When something great happens, you want to share it with the world, encouraging everyone to celebrate with you. When something terrible happens, you likewise look for sympathy from outside the four walls of your home.

And sometimes y’all just wanna create a mob for a mass dragging session. It’s just the way we’re wired now.

So it’s not surprise that our grandparents’ old adage of “keep your business in the house” has flown right out the door.

But listen to a brother who has been married since before Beyonce was stomping around in the dust on “Deja Vu” – everybody does NOT need to know your business. Including family and friends.

Of course there are exceptions. There’s nothing wrong with turning to a trusted family member for advice, support or even comfort in tough times. But be very, VERY careful about allowing even your favorite auntie unfettered access into your relationships.

No. 1, family members and friends often come with a set of biases. Of course grandma is gonna side with her baby in most arguments, that’s what she’s supposed to do – even if her baby is dead wrong. Another issue is perspective. Sometimes those family members and freinds mean well but are on the outside of your relationship looking in. They often miss full context of issues, instead filling in blanks and making up their own narratives along the way.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

And, of course, the more people who know about your business leaves you open to more people meddling in said business.

Some things y’all just got to learn to keep at home.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with turning to a trusted family member or friend for advice during tough times, or even an outside unbiased source like yours truly. Just make sure that ear is someone who has both you and your partner’s best interests in mind, not your gossipy cousin who will just cosign everything in your favor.

The fate of your relationship ultimately lies in your hands, not the 20-something people at Thanksgiving dinner.

Question DEUX:

So if a woman’s response to finding other mate has been cheating is that of calm would you say she’s immune to his BS?

C.W.

CW, playa, I had to read this like three times before I understood what you were asking.

Listen I know Twitter taught y’all that overreaction is the correct reaction to EVERY SITUATION but everyone’s response to drama n’ trauma isn’t busting windows out of cars like Jazmine or burning cars like Angela.

Why are cars the go-to stress reliever for the scorned? I’d be WAY more devastated if someone erased one of my Playstation game saves.

Just because a woman doesn’t go Tyler Perry on her man for cheating doesn’t mean she’s IMMUNE. Maybe she’s compartmentalizing. Maybe she’s tired. Maybe she’s being an adult and trying to figure out the next steps of her relationship.

Calm isn’t necessarily acceptance. Besides, it’s the quiet ones you should fear.