The Most Unromantic Love Songs Ever

Happy Valentine’s Day, people. It’s the time of year that brothers spend way too much money on candy and cards in hope of getting in good with some lucky lady.

Word of advice, fellas – NEVER buy flowers Valentine’s Day week. Florists drive up the price of flowers like Avon Barksdale moving packs on The Wire. #StayWoke

Another word of advice: Before you try setting the mood with some seductive songs, you might actually want to pay attention to the lyrics. Some of the most beloved love songs are pretty ridiculous when you focus on what’s being said.

This Valentine’s Day, you might want to skip the songs below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Police, “Every Breath You Take”

AKA The Puff Daddy Song. For some reason this track is considered a classic ’80s love song. Well, peep the lyrics: “Every breath you take/Every move you make/Every bond you break/Every step you take/I’ll be watching you.” I don’t know about the ’80s, but in 2014, that’s grounds for a restraining order. Leave those lyrics on someone’s Instagram feed and the cops will come knocking.

DMX featuring Faith Evans, “How’s It Goin’ Down”

My dog Earl Simmons rarely shows his softer side and this song proves why he probably shouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s one of my all-time favorites but it’s not the heartwarming gem claimed by a generation of hoodrats. First X lusts after girl he says “looks 11 with curls,” which makes ol’ girl (almost) too young for Robert Kelly’s usual age bracket. Then after threatening to kill her boyfriend, X makes the girl his drug mule. DMX needs counseling.

Chris Brown, “No BS”

No matter who my play Cousin Chris Brown is beatin’ on or cheatin’ on, all he has to do is leak a couple of nude pics and #TeamBreezy is ready to forgive and forget. Lord, what fools these mortals be. And only a fool would find this song sexy, where Cousin Chris flat out tells a girl that he’s on the way over and she better give it up. And y’all said “Blurred Lines” pushed the boundaries of consent. Somebody better get the Law & Order SVU cops on the line, they might have some working coming up.

Plies featuring Ne-Yo, “Bust It Baby Part 2”

Yeah, I know, it’s Plies. He’s about as sexy as rusty screwdriver. But for a brief, dark time in our country’s history, women were actually proud to be called a “bust it baby.” The best I can tell from Plies’ mush-mouthed vernacular, a BIB is a woman whose most redeeming quality is in the bedroom. And with Shakespearean lines like “I just gave her a nickname, it’s wet-wet/Cause when we finish, she mess up all my bed set,” you can tell that Plies thinks very highly of this young lady. I hope Plies got you a nice gift this year, Wet-Wet.

Jagged Edge, “Let’s Get Married”

Back in 2000, every woman I knew wanted this song played at their wedding and the remix to rock the reception. But you can only expect so much romance from brothers in doo rags and bandannas. With heartfelt lines like “We ain’t getting no younger, we might as well do it” JE sounds like they’re walking down the aisles at gunpoint.

Notorious B.I.G., “Me & My B*tch”

This is “The Greatest Love of All” of thug love rap tracks. Frank White may have been the greatest rapper of all time (OF ALL TIME) but he was never known as the sentimental type. Fellas, use caution before playing this as the soundtrack for your Bonnie & Clyde fantasies. Not only may your girl object to being labeled as The Dreaded B-Word, but some of Big’s metaphors are a bit, um, over the top. I’ve never met a girl so fine that I wanted to make sweet love to her father’s genitals. That includes Faith Evans. And Charli Baltimore. And Lil Kim.

Especially Lil Kim.

Boyz II Men, “Uhh Ahh”

Yeah, this one is cheating. It isn’t really a love song, it’s a sex song, plain and simple. But this joint has always made me mad uncomfortable. The fastest way for a man to lose his mojo is to hear grown men moaning and groaning through his speakers. Ladies, y’all can have his one.

Drake, “Best I Ever Had”

Dudes like Drake are the reason my Love Letters column exists. He is 100 percent game – and weak game at that. Take this song – he confides in his woman that of all the millions of lovers he’s had, she’s the best. And she’s too overcome with the scent of  Bath & Body Works Cherry Blossom leaking from his pores to comprehend what he said. The man just ADMITTED that he slept with half of Canada. In this case, the VD the girl gets won’t stand for Valentine’s Day.

What offensive songs did I miss? Share ’em in the comments